November 30, 2016
Wife: It’s okay to eat mostly meat. Lot’s of people have a very fulfilling life doing that.
November 29, 2016
Four-Year-Old: We can go down to the frog store to buy some cream.
November 28, 2016
Me: Did you just walk up to me, belch, and say, “I didn’t mean to spoil the party”?
Four-Year-Old: Batman did that.
November 27, 2016
Brother: Would you like me to rattle off a long list of batshit insane historical arguments that someone in this family has made?
Me: Why would I want you to rattle off a long list of batshit insane historical arguments that someone in this family has made?
November 26, 2016
Me: Since when are you not bread?
November 25, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Step away from my Minecraft server, or I will ban you.
November 24, 2016
Four-Year-Old: I couldn’t hear you putting the Gummi Bears away.
November 23, 2016
Me: I am so tired. Thank God for Brussels sprouts.
November 21, 2016
Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?