Mostly

November 30, 2016

Wife: It’s okay to eat mostly meat. Lot’s of people have a very fulfilling life doing that.

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Frog

November 29, 2016

Four-Year-Old: We can go down to the frog store to buy some cream.

Spoil

November 28, 2016

Me: Did you just walk up to me, belch, and say, “I didn’t mean to spoil the party”?
Four-Year-Old: Batman did that.

Rattle

November 27, 2016

Brother: Would you like me to rattle off a long list of batshit insane historical arguments that someone in this family has made?
Me: No.
Brother: Really?
Me: Why would I want you to rattle off a long list of batshit insane historical arguments that someone in this family has made?

Since

November 26, 2016

Me: Since when are you not bread?

Ban

November 25, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: Step away from my Minecraft server, or I will ban you.

Putting

November 24, 2016

Four-Year-Old: I couldn’t hear you putting the Gummi Bears away.

Sprouts

November 23, 2016

Me: I am so tired. Thank God for Brussels sprouts.

Briefs

November 22, 2016

Wife: You have a memo book. I’ve got you two.
Me: I have it. It’s in my briefcase.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, that’s not a briefcase.
Me: Can I carry briefs in it?
Wife: By that logic, a plastic bag is a briefcase.

You could carry briefs in your underwear, but after you did that, nobody would want to read them.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, underwear is—
Me: You’re saying I could carry briefs in my briefs?

Laces

November 21, 2016

Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?