March 31, 2011

Me: Set the table: forks and spoons.
Seven-Year-Old: What are we having?
Me: More leftover pasta, but we have something special for dessert.
Seven-Year-Old: I know what it is!
Me: I’m not sure anyone knows what it is.
Seven-Year-Old: It’s Delight Fantastic!


March 30, 2011

Me: What’s on your nose?
Seven-Year-Old: A dot.
Me: Why is there a dot on your nose?
Seven-Year-Old: I accidentally dotted my nose.


March 29, 2011

Wife: So, you just left our kids downstairs with a tie-dye kit and left to their own devices?
Me: Yes, so? And also several high-voltage power supplies.
Wife: You must really not like our kids.
[As me] “Here kids, lick this.”


March 28, 2011

Wife: The sports bra is all stinky.
Me: There are more clean ones in the drawer, some of which have never been worn, I believe.
Wife: I’m saving the bras for the zombie apocalypse, or something.


March 27, 2011

Wife [as me]: “Fine, I’ll just stay out here. No, I’m not just sitting on the toilet crying!”


March 26, 2011

Me: You need to go write more thank-you notes.
Seven-Year-Old: I don’t want to make any mistakes.
Me: If you don’t know how to spell a word, just come and ask me.
Me: If you don’t know how to get out of my room…
Wife: Oh, Snap!


March 25, 2011

Me: Why the hell has my computer spontaneously changed its power saving options?
Wife: I would imagine it’s just part of its general power problems.
Me: The only power problem it has is that it thinks it can’t recognize the battery.
Wife: Well, if it can’t recognize the battery, it’s eventually going to shut itself down.
Me: No, I said it thinks it can’t recognize the battery. Whenever it first gets plugged in, it says, “What the hell is this?!” then charges normally.


March 24, 2011

Wife: You can play with my phone after I’m done with it.
Three-Year-Old: Uh-uh! You’re going to run the battery down!

Dump Truck

March 23, 2011

Three-Year-Old: If I make a huge dump truck, it will be huge, but I don’t want to make it huge.


March 22, 2011

Three-Year-Old: Daddy!
Me: What?
Three-Year-Old: Daddy, there’s scuz on the duck!
Me: What?
Three-Year-Old: There’s scuz on the duck!