March 31, 2018

Wife: What is that on your arm?
Me: It’s pasta.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Pasta.
Wife: Is it from her mouth?



March 30, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: No, I’m not going down that road today. No, don’t. Don’t! Fuck you, brain!


March 29, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: You can’t ride in the same minecart as a chicken. That’s a true fact.


March 28, 2018

Rabbi: I think I look like a goth Hawaiian.


March 27, 2018

Rabbi: Let’s get this spiel out of the gutter.


March 26, 2018

Me: It seems like, of your close friends, you and [Her Boyfriend] do the least stuff together.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I know. That’s because we’re totally awkward.
Me: Do you just sit there mooning at each other?

Not the butts kind of mooning.


March 25, 2018

Me: The movie that dares to ask the question: Taxi dancer, prostitute—what’s the difference?


March 24, 2018

Me: It can be hard to identify background screams.

Pot Roast

March 23, 2018

Me: I had all-you-can-eat pot roast for lunch today. I felt like I needed the protein.

Yes, it’s my forty-first birthday.


March 22, 2018

Me: Did you eat all of your lunch?
Six-Year-Old: No.
Me: Why not?
Six-Year-Old: I didn’t have enough time! It always…. Oh yeah, I did eat all my lunch.