August 31, 2012

Eight-Year-Old: I can’t do my dance routines when he’s holding my legs.


Hot Dance

August 30, 2012

Friend [to her son, eating a hot brownie]: Okay, good. Now do the hot dance.


August 29, 2012

Friend: Gone With the Wind is like shopping in the black neighborhood and finding nothing I like.


August 28, 2012

Wife: So what you want me to do is to go to karate, and when Mister Mike asks if you’ve been good, to tell him, “No, because he’s been shooting me full of arrows at dinner all week”?
Five-Year-Old: No?


August 27, 2012

Five-Year-Old: I think it would be good to figure out who God is.


August 26, 2012

Me: When you try to kick me, you forfeit the right to have your pants not disarrayed.

The Hustler

August 25, 2012

Wife: Pro tip: When you’re drunk and limping, don’t go home with a pool shark and get him to have sex with you.


August 24, 2012

Wife: Just make sure it’s clear that we’ve never actually seen a priest fucking.


August 23, 2012

Wife: Ask anyone who’s had an affair. The best way to reveal it is not to say, “Hey, do you remember that time we saw that priest fucking?”


August 22, 2012

Wife: Have I taken any good pictures of me lately?
Me: Nnn… um…
Wife: “Nom”?
Me: I said, “Um.”
Wife: No, you said, “Nom.”
Me: Nom… um…

Can I put that on the blog?
Wife: Only if you don’t eat me.