August 31, 2012
Eight-Year-Old: I can’t do my dance routines when he’s holding my legs.
August 30, 2012
Friend [to her son, eating a hot brownie]: Okay, good. Now do the hot dance.
August 29, 2012
Friend: Gone With the Wind is like shopping in the black neighborhood and finding nothing I like.
August 28, 2012
Wife: So what you want me to do is to go to karate, and when Mister Mike asks if you’ve been good, to tell him, “No, because he’s been shooting me full of arrows at dinner all week”?
August 27, 2012
Five-Year-Old: I think it would be good to figure out who God is.
August 26, 2012
Me: When you try to kick me, you forfeit the right to have your pants not disarrayed.
August 25, 2012
Wife: Pro tip: When you’re drunk and limping, don’t go home with a pool shark and get him to have sex with you.
August 23, 2012
Wife: Ask anyone who’s had an affair. The best way to reveal it is not to say, “Hey, do you remember that time we saw that priest fucking?”