March 1, 2017
Colleague: You know I try to come up with blog-worth comments.
December 28, 2016
Wife: The ham I got did not have good enough statistics compared to my shovel, so….
November 22, 2016
Wife: You have a memo book. I’ve got you two.
Me: I have it. It’s in my briefcase.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, that’s not a briefcase.
Me: Can I carry briefs in it?
Wife: By that logic, a plastic bag is a briefcase.
You could carry briefs in your underwear, but after you did that, nobody would want to read them.
Twelve-Yera-Old: Technically, underwear is—
Me: You’re saying I could carry briefs in my briefs?
October 17, 2016
First Friend: You quote me on this, Altschul, but I’m getting a pedicure!
Second Friend: “You quote me on this, Altschul.”
First Friend: Because Momma’s tired of shlepping tuchases around, and you should quote me on that too.
June 4, 2016
Wife: I will write a strongly worded letter to WordPress, in realistic dialogue, outlining your concerns.
October 26, 2015
Friend’s Daughter: Okay, pretend you’re a drive through.
October 24, 2015
Eleven-Year-Old [looking at stray cat in driveway]: She probably will go away once we bring the other cats back.
Wife: Why? They stay inside. They’re completely separate.
Eleven-Year-Old: They give off disgusting cat smell.
Wife: That’s not—
Eleven-Year-Old: From their butts!
September 20, 2015
Eight-Year-Old: When do I get to put things on the blog?
Wife: What do you want to put on the blog?
Eight-Year-Old: Funny stuff!
Three-Year-Old: I want to go with [Eight-Year-Old] and do funny stuff!
September 15, 2015
Wife: Oh God, You’ve ruined everything.
Me: I’ve ruined everything?
Me: By citing Urban Dictionary?
I can’t disagree with you there.