June 29, 2019

Friend: I’m going to make sure you can’t quote my shit.

Oh, fuck.


Fan Here

June 18, 2019

Colleague: You have a fan here.
Student: Yeah, I do. I mean, I can. I mean, I am. You do.


April 25, 2019

Me: When you’re done eating, we should put on some Chapstick.
Eleven-Year-Old: Yes, Chapstick when you’re done eating.
I beat you the sentence.
Me: He beat me the sentence.
Seven-Year-Old: Are you going to put that on your list?
Me: Well now I have to.


November 5, 2018

Me [reading WordPress notification]: “You’ve posted four days in a row.” I’ve posted, like, a thousand days in a row!
Eleven-Year-Old: Well, it’s just acknowledging you. You are now a human being.


July 23, 2018

Colleague: You should also write: “There are vampires in Transylvania, and I’m living proof!”


May 10, 2018

Wife: I’m going out to the van to get her allergy medicine.



April 26, 2018

Colleague: Did you hear the Witch-King of Angmar pledged his company’s swords to Imrahil if he would contest with Faramir for the throne?

Admittedly, I’m associating names rather randomly, but still.
Me: Given how lost this leaves me, this is a strong candidate for the blog.


January 5, 2018

Wife: Just go ahead and send it. No demon faces!
Me: Blog.
Wife: Am I wrong? No demon faces!


July 22, 2017

Wife: Stop huffing your stuffed cat!
Me: Blog.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not huffing. I’m snorting it.


June 28, 2017

Wife: The pavement would be littered with boneless crushed dog bodies!
Me: Hold on! Hold on! Can’t blog fast enough!
Wife: Am I wrong?!
Me: No.