May 21, 2020

Friend: Maybe being willing to violate canons of avantness makes it avant-avant-garde.
Me: Fine, that’s my blog quote of the day.


March 30, 2020

Friend: Next time I’ll ask for my standard dinner breast.

Hmmm… blog?
Me: So let it be written. So let it be done.

Beside Fruit

March 24, 2020

Me: Looks like it’s Park Beside Fruit Day.
Twelve-Year-Old: Absolutely.
Me: Blog.

Eight-Year-Old: What? You should write that on your blog.


March 21, 2020

Eight-Year-Old: I just made two things for your blog!


February 2, 2020

Me: Sadly, “Christian domestic discipline furries” gets no Google hits.
Friend: Blog.


September 19, 2019

Friend: Dude, did you forget what your blog was about? First there was the candy counting; now you’re dissing reading YouTube comments. You know there’s a plugin just because everyone knows you shouldn’t do that.


August 28, 2019

Wife: If you look up another kind of pickle, I will fucking kick you in the nuts.
Me: Blog…. Which is not a kind of pickle.


June 29, 2019

Friend: I’m going to make sure you can’t quote my shit.

Oh, fuck.

Fan Here

June 18, 2019

Colleague: You have a fan here.
Student: Yeah, I do. I mean, I can. I mean, I am. You do.


April 25, 2019

Me: When you’re done eating, we should put on some Chapstick.
Eleven-Year-Old: Yes, Chapstick when you’re done eating.
I beat you the sentence.
Me: He beat me the sentence.
Seven-Year-Old: Are you going to put that on your list?
Me: Well now I have to.