July 22, 2017

Wife: Stop huffing your stuffed cat!
Me: Blog.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not huffing. I’m snorting it.



June 28, 2017

Wife: The pavement would be littered with boneless crushed dog bodies!
Me: Hold on! Hold on! Can’t blog fast enough!
Wife: Am I wrong?!
Me: No.


March 1, 2017

Colleague: You know I try to come up with blog-worth comments.


December 28, 2016

Wife: The ham I got did not have good enough statistics compared to my shovel, so….
Me: Blog.


November 22, 2016

Wife: You have a memo book. I’ve got you two.
Me: I have it. It’s in my briefcase.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, that’s not a briefcase.
Me: Can I carry briefs in it?
Wife: By that logic, a plastic bag is a briefcase.

You could carry briefs in your underwear, but after you did that, nobody would want to read them.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, underwear is—
Me: You’re saying I could carry briefs in my briefs?


October 17, 2016

First Friend: You quote me on this, Altschul, but I’m getting a pedicure!
Second Friend: “You quote me on this, Altschul.”
First Friend: Because Momma’s tired of shlepping tuchases around, and you should quote me on that too.


July 7, 2016

Me: Oh, God, don’t blog me tonight!


June 4, 2016

Wife: I will write a strongly worded letter to WordPress, in realistic dialogue, outlining your concerns.


October 26, 2015

Friend’s Daughter: Okay, pretend you’re a drive through.
Friend: Blog!


October 24, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old [looking at stray cat in driveway]: She probably will go away once we bring the other cats back.
Wife: Why? They stay inside. They’re completely separate.
Eleven-Year-Old: They give off disgusting cat smell.
Wife: That’s not—
Eleven-Year-Old: From their butts!

Wife: Blog.