Fans

Me:  Like my father says I’m an “Oliver Tambo fan,” he’s kind of a John
Huss fan.
Wife:  Oh.
Me:  It’s a cruel twist of fate that he’s not one of the pivotal figures of world history.  Now there’s a guy who was literally ahead of his time.
Wife:  “Literally” ahead of his time?
Me:  Yeah, “literally.”
Wife:  You mean like he was out of phase?
Me:  Exactly—like the Re’tu.
Wife:  That would explain why nobody’s heard of him then.

Cleaning Methods

Wife:  You vacuum in here a lot, don’t you?
Me:  Vacuum?  No.
Wife:  Sweep, vacuum, power wash, it’s all the same.
Me:  Yeah, power washing the kitchen—that’s a great idea.
Five-Year-Old:  Look at my cuppy cake!  It’s all covered with sprinkles!

Lying

Five-Year-Old:  Where’s the cake?
Me:  It’s in the garage.
Five-Year-Old:  In the garage?
Me:  Yes, in the freezer in the garage.
Five-Year-Old:  Is it really in the garage?
Me:  Yes.
Five-Year-Old:  Is it really?
Me:  No, I’m lying to you.
Five-Year-Old:  Mom, Dad’s lying about the cake being in the garage.
Wife:  No, he’s not.
Me:  No, I’m lying that I’m lying to you.
Five-Year-Old:  … That doesn’t make any sense!
Me:  Very astute.

White Tongue

Wife [from other room]:  No, it’s bread!  Your brother doesn’t have a white tongue that he whips out only when he’s got bread in his mouth!

Crickets

Wife:  Some people eat crickets.
Five-Year-Old:  Whaaat?!
Me:  Some people make their crickets wrestle.
Wife:  What?
Me:  Were you there for that Chinese movie that my parents made us watch that they bought only because it was Chinese?
Wife:  Huh?
Me:  It was about—the father owned a bathhouse, and he got sick, and his son who was part of the twenty-first century economy had to go home and check on him.  Were you there when we watched that?
Wife:  That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Me:  Some of the old men at the bathhouse had the crickets they’d caught fight.
Wife:  No, and I’m pretty glad.
Five-Year-Old:  BATH HOUSE!  That’s ridiculous!

Mood

[Romantic kissing]
Wife:  Aaah! I think there’s a dead mouse in the air conditioning vent!
Me:  No, I saw it earlier.  It’s a piece of paper.
Wife:  It looks like a mouse.
Me:  It has writing on it.
Wife:  I still think it’s a mouse.

Aspirations

Me:  If I were a rich fop, I think I’d like to hang around in wine bars.
Wife:  What?!
Me:  If I were a rich fop, I think I’d like to hang around in wine bars.
Wife:  What?!