Fans

June 30, 2009

Me: Like my father says I’m an “Oliver Tambo fan,” he’s kind of a John
Huss fan.
Wife: Oh.
Me: It’s a cruel twist of fate that he’s not one of the pivotal figures of world history. Now there’s a guy who was literally ahead of his time.
Wife: “Literally” ahead of his time?
Me: Yeah, “literally.”
Wife: You mean like he was out of phase?
Me: Exactly—like the Re’tu.
Wife: That would explain why nobody’s heard of him then.

Cleaning Methods

June 29, 2009

Wife: You vacuum in here a lot, don’t you?
Me: Vacuum? No.
Wife: Sweep, vacuum, power wash, it’s all the same.
Me: Yeah, power washing the kitchen—that’s a great idea.
Five-Year-Old: Look at my cuppy cake! It’s all covered with sprinkles!

Lying

June 28, 2009

Five-Year-Old: Where’s the cake?
Me: It’s in the garage.
Five-Year-Old: In the garage?
Me: Yes, in the freezer in the garage.
Five-Year-Old: Is it really in the garage?
Me: Yes.
Five-Year-Old: Is it really?
Me: No, I’m lying to you.
Five-Year-Old: Mom, Dad’s lying about the cake being in the garage.
Wife: No, he’s not.
Me: No, I’m lying that I’m lying to you.
Five-Year-Old: … That doesn’t make any sense!
Me: Very astute.

White Tongue

June 27, 2009

Wife [from other room]: No, it’s bread! Your brother doesn’t have a white tongue that he whips out only when he’s got bread in his mouth!

Crickets

June 26, 2009

Wife: Some people eat crickets.
Five-Year-Old: Whaaat?!
Me: Some people make their crickets wrestle.
Wife: What?
Me: Were you there for that Chinese movie that my parents made us watch that they bought only because it was Chinese?
Wife: Huh?
Me: It was about—the father owned a bathhouse, and he got sick, and his son who was part of the twenty-first century economy had to go home and check on him. Were you there when we watched that?
Wife: That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Me: Some of the old men at the bathhouse had the crickets they’d caught fight.
Wife: No, and I’m pretty glad.
Five-Year-Old: BATH HOUSE! That’s ridiculous!

Mood

June 25, 2009

[Romantic kissing]
Wife: Aaah! I think there’s a dead mouse in the air conditioning vent!
Me: No, I saw it earlier. It’s a piece of paper.
Wife: It looks like a mouse.
Me: It has writing on it.
Wife: I still think it’s a mouse.

Aspirations

June 24, 2009

Me: If I were a rich fop, I think I’d like to hang around in wine bars.
Wife: What?!
Me: If I were a rich fop, I think I’d like to hang around in wine bars.
Wife: What?!