Surf!

Five-Year-Old: Everybody time surf!

Lose

Five-Year-Old: Do you want some space cake?
Me: No thanks. I’m trying to lose space weight.

Spinners

Wife: You would starve in a room full of fidget spinners.
Ten-Year-Old: At least she would die happy!

Platelets

Wife: So people learned to speak from platelets.

Dave’s

Five-Year-Old: Fine, I’ll do something Jewish—a Dave’s Star.

Date

Me: What does it say on your forehead?
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Date night.”

Saying

Thirteen-Year-Old: As I was saying, I don’t have a forehead.

Engine

Five-Year-Old: Dad, my engine broke!
Me: What engine?
Five-Year-Old: The engine for my boat. Now my boat can’t move?
Me: Okay.
Five-Year-Old: And why aren’t you saying, “Oh, dear!”

Rohypnol

Wife: Um, you have rohypnol on your laptop?

Came

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’ve got big holes!
That came out all wrong. Why?