Surf!

August 31, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Everybody time surf!

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Lose

August 30, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Do you want some space cake?
Me: No thanks. I’m trying to lose space weight.

Spinners

August 29, 2017

Wife: You would starve in a room full of fidget spinners.
Ten-Year-Old: At least she would die happy!

Platelets

August 28, 2017

Wife: So people learned to speak from platelets.

Dave’s

August 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Fine, I’ll do something Jewish—a Dave’s Star.

Date

August 26, 2017

Me: What does it say on your forehead?
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Date night.”

Saying

August 25, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: As I was saying, I don’t have a forehead.

Engine

August 24, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Dad, my engine broke!
Me: What engine?
Five-Year-Old: The engine for my boat. Now my boat can’t move?
Me: Okay.
Five-Year-Old: And why aren’t you saying, “Oh, dear!”

Rohypnol

August 23, 2017

Wife: Um, you have rohypnol on your laptop?

Came

August 22, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’ve got big holes!
That came out all wrong. Why?