May 31, 2014
Wife: Kwargs. It’s telling me I have kwargs problems.
May 30, 2014
Me: I have pumpkin reflux.
May 29, 2014
Me: Uncle Angelo is in legitimate firefighting.
May 28, 2014
Wife: You missed your calling.
Wife: You should have been an asshole lawyer, defending people who needed to swing through crocodile pits. You’re so good at it.
May 27, 2014
Wife: You can’t use it anywhere in state or out of state.
Me: That’s not reasonable.
Wife: Reasonable? It’s a fucking grappling hook! Reasonable went out the window when you said, “I want a grappling hook.”
May 26, 2014
Me: Maybe they’re blind and can only tell their way around by sniff.
May 25, 2014
Wife: I’m pretty sure you can get hemorrhoid surgery long before you get gout in your hemorrhoid.
May 24, 2014
Ten-Year-Old [watching MacGuyver]: Crowbar!
Wife: He’s going to remove the wookie’s lug nuts!
May 23, 2014
Friend’s Daughter: Nobody’s going to get my fat, chubby, funky nickel!
May 22, 2014
Wife: I don’t care if you have wookie heritage. We’re not doing that.