Kwargs

May 31, 2014

Wife: Kwargs.
Me: Kwargs?
Wife: Kwargs. It’s telling me I have kwargs problems.

Reflux

May 30, 2014

Me: I have pumpkin reflux.

Firefighting

May 29, 2014

Me: Uncle Angelo is in legitimate firefighting.

Calling

May 28, 2014

Wife: You missed your calling.
Me: What?
Wife: You should have been an asshole lawyer, defending people who needed to swing through crocodile pits. You’re so good at it.

Hook

May 27, 2014

Wife: You can’t use it anywhere in state or out of state.
Me: That’s not reasonable.
Wife: Reasonable? It’s a fucking grappling hook! Reasonable went out the window when you said, “I want a grappling hook.”

Sniff

May 26, 2014

Me: Maybe they’re blind and can only tell their way around by sniff.

Gout

May 25, 2014

Wife: I’m pretty sure you can get hemorrhoid surgery long before you get gout in your hemorrhoid.

Lug

May 24, 2014

Ten-Year-Old [watching MacGuyver]: Crowbar!
Wife: He’s going to remove the wookie’s lug nuts!

Nickel

May 23, 2014

Friend’s Daughter: Nobody’s going to get my fat, chubby, funky nickel!

Heritage

May 22, 2014

Wife: I don’t care if you have wookie heritage. We’re not doing that.