Yours

Wife: How do you know?
Eight-Year-Old: I’m guessing.
Wife: And I’m driving off the road. So there!
Me: I think yours is worse.

Traffic

Wife: Oh, god! Your wife’s already in a neck brace! Please don’t pull into traffic!

Back

Five-Year-Old: I don’t know where my back teeth are.

Prejudice

Me: “Abraham Lincoln Versus Zombies“?
Wife: Haven’t you heard about that? Abraham Lincoln was a zombie fighter.
Me: No, I haven’t. Oh well, it can’t be worse than Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
Wife: I’m not sure that’s true.

Superman Versus The Cthulhu-Worshipping Eskimos

Me: We never did listen to that episode of Superman versus the Cthulhu-worshipping eskimos.

Standards

Wife: I’m not going to breastfeed in front of a bunch of teenagers trying to decide on a Redbox rental. I have my standards!

Step Outside

Me: As soon as we step outside the JCC, it smells like pork.

Fighting

Me: You need to wait an hour after eating before fighting with your sister.

Carnies

Wife: Even carnies need managers.
Me: Über-carnies.
Wife: Do they have less teeth or more?

Shower

Me: Why don’t you take a shower in the morning?
Eight-Year-Old: I’m not good at taking them in the morning!
Me: How can that be? Is it a different skill set?