March 31, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: I haven’t thrown up today, but my hair died.
March 30, 2016
Colleague: The tournament has been going on all month, so now whenever I walk down the hall, I get posted up.
March 29, 2016
Me: I didn’t make the same mistake he did. My mistake was not realizing he’d made a mistake.
March 28, 2016
Wife: You have clean face, which is not the same thing as smelling like a butt.
March 27, 2016
Friend: You can’t talk to me. I’m a wall.
March 26, 2016
Wife: I didn’t even know you could get hot dogs at a Korean restaurant! And you got eight servings!
March 25, 2016
Wife: Don’t kick the fan! Don’t kick the fan! Oh, you kicked the fan.
March 24, 2016
Wife: So now I know how to make amazing pie filling and incredibly unwieldy hamantaschen.
March 23, 2016
Wife: Well look, there’s a patriotic cow statue.
Cousin: Of course! We’re in Wisconsin.
Thirty-nine years old today.