“Dyed”?

March 31, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: I haven’t thrown up today, but my hair died.

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Posted

March 30, 2016

Colleague: The tournament has been going on all month, so now whenever I walk down the hall, I get posted up.

Mistake

March 29, 2016

Me: I didn’t make the same mistake he did. My mistake was not realizing he’d made a mistake.

Clean

March 28, 2016

Wife: You have clean face, which is not the same thing as smelling like a butt.

Wall

March 27, 2016

Friend: You can’t talk to me. I’m a wall.

Servings

March 26, 2016

Wife: I didn’t even know you could get hot dogs at a Korean restaurant! And you got eight servings!

Fan

March 25, 2016

Wife: Don’t kick the fan! Don’t kick the fan! Oh, you kicked the fan.

Unwieldy

March 24, 2016

Wife: So now I know how to make amazing pie filling and incredibly unwieldy hamantaschen.

We were in Michigan.

March 23, 2016

Wife: Well look, there’s a patriotic cow statue.
Cousin: Of course! We’re in Wisconsin.

Thirty-nine years old today.

Garmadon

March 22, 2016

Four-Year-Old: That poop looks like Garmadon‘s sword!