December 31, 2013

Me: I eat one badger, and you won’t shut up about it.


December 30, 2013

Six-Year-Old: I collected some of these!
Me: Acorns?
Six-Year-Old: I made them guess my name!


December 29, 2013

Wife: Why are you doing a sexy dance as you put on a onesie?


December 28, 2013

Wife: Avocados do not belong in the bedroom.


December 27, 2013

Friend: I’ve never had a hemp cake before.
Me: Is that like having a white pimp?


December 26, 2013

Six-Year-Old: Fruit Roll-Ups! Fruit Roll-Ups! I bet this one is going to be long!


December 25, 2013

Me: The kids and I already bought you some presents. [Nine-Year-Old] wanted to get you something else, but we’ll have to buy it fresh tomorrow.
Wife: That doesn’t sound good. Is it a walrus?
Me: It is not a honey glazed walrus.
Wife: I didn’t say anything about honey glazed.
Me: I will repeat my assertion. It is not a honey glazed walrus.
Wife: Well, shit.


December 24, 2013

Six-Year-Old: Pyramid, show me where my things are!


December 23, 2013

Me [as it thunders while I’m trying to light a fire]: Criminy. Really?
Wife: Maybe Thunder Bear is actually Smokey Bear.
Me: Well, there both ursine….


December 22, 2013

Wife: I’ve got to see that fungus if it’s centimeter inchworm cool!