January 31, 2016

Brother: I want it noted for the record that I did not bring anal into the conversation.



January 30, 2016

Cousin: I didn’t go to college to be a doggie.


January 29, 2016

Brother: What was the name of his latest book? I think it was a woman’s name.
Me: “Brenda”?
Brother: What did you say?
Me: I was just guessing women’s names.
Brother: Did you say “Brenda”? I should kill you.


January 28, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Driver’s license means when you get chased by a police officer in the car. No, when you get driver’s license—Batman doesn’t have driver’s license—it means when you’re chased by a police officer when you’re in a car.


January 27, 2016

Me: You should have known that after you get a colonoscopy, you may want to buy a hummer.
Wife: Known side effect.


January 26, 2016

Wife: If you’re going to say everything with an arch in it is a penis, you’re going to have trouble in the world.


January 25, 2016

Me: What do those three dots mean over that llama?

Or does it just mean it’s a llama you can chat through?


January 24, 2016

Wife: We need a hex key.
Me: What for?
Wife: Your colon!
Me: No, what’s the hex key for?
Wife: I’m sticking it in your colon?
Me: What’s the hex key actually for?
Wife: I’m doing your home colonoscopy with a hex key and a Web cam.
Me: That’s sticking it to Big Colonoscopy.


January 23, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: Once, when I was in a boat, two Lex-bots came up, and then they sank.


January 22, 2016

Wife: This is great organization! The hemorrhoid suppositories right next to the Pepto-Bismol, in case you forget which end it goes in!