January 31, 2015

Ten-Year-Old: I hate you, other bear! I am never going to mate with you!


January 30, 2015

Me: Just one measly fish? You should go dynamite fishing.
Wife: You really want to give a bear dynamite, in addition to a car?


January 29, 2015

Me: Why am I in reverse?
Wife: A fish hit your shifter.


January 28, 2015

Wife: You’ll need to buy books for your education.
Seven-Year-Old: I already have books!
Wife: I don’t think the LEGO fireman series is what they’ll be reading at the Coast Guard Academy.


January 28, 2015

Seven-Year-Old: Pizza butts?
Me: What?
Wife: What do you think? He’s a boy; he’s seven; and he likes saying “butt.”


January 27, 2015

Wife: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
It’s a ballerina mammoth. It’s delicate and graceful.
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!


January 26, 2015

Ten-Year-Old: He’s pushing the mammoth’s but into her face!


January 25, 2015

Me: The liquor store grandma knows what she’s talking about.


January 24, 2015

Me: Do you want me to take the two of them, and you’ll stay home with the naked dude?


January 23, 2015

Wife: You have absolutely no business knowing what time it is, because you will tell your brother, and that really annoys me.