Language

March 31, 2014

Six-Year-Old: Now somebody knows my cat language!

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Brain

March 30, 2014

Wife: I think I just threw up in my brain.

Smokies

March 29, 2014

Wife: Where are you going to get all-beef Smokies? Those things are nothing but pig anus!

Tub

March 28, 2014

Six-Year-Old: I’ve got moose all over my bath tub!

Fig

March 27, 2014

Six-Year-Old [singing]: Fig jam, Fig jam! Get out of the jar! I’m going to spread you!

Dinosaur

March 26, 2014

Wife: What do you think to glow stick does for the dinosaur?
Six-Year-Old: Makes it fly!

Finger

March 25, 2014

Wife: I want a Butterfinger.
Ten-Year-Old: Can I have some?
Me: Nobody better lay a finger on her Butterfinger.
Ten-Year-Old: What? Butt or finger?

Covenants

March 24, 2014

Me: So the source of all evil just happened to be right outside their yard?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Wife: That what happens when you don’t have good homeowners covenants.

Dancing

March 23, 2014

Six-Year-Old: Dancing balloon! Do, do do!
Dancing balloon! Do, do do!
Dancing balloon! Do, do do!
Dancing balloon! Do, do do!
Dancing balloon! Do, do do!

In honor of my own birthday…

Prints

March 22, 2014

Wife: You’re just leaving GPS butt prints all over the windshield.