Sexy

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!

Girlfriend

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison

Harem

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.

Lipstick

Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.

Flashbacks

Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.

Cross-Sexual

Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.

Office

Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?

Hoarding

Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
Wife: Yet.

Lesbian

Wife: I’m going to become a lesbian.
Me: In the shower?

I’m

Me: I’m your bed meat!