Promise
October 4, 2019
Wife: Nobody likes eating hair.
Fifteen-Year-Old: I promise you it’s somebody’s kink.
Ogres
August 25, 2019
Friend: Ogres love hard!
Abstract
August 18, 2019
Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.
Sensual
June 6, 2019
First Student [whispering]: Fuck you.
Second Student: Okay, fine. That was very sensual.
Fetish
June 1, 2019
Colleague: That means he probably has a foot fetish.
Cobbler’s
May 26, 2019
Colleague: It’s like—what is it—”The cobbler’s children have no shoes”? The optometrist’s husband never gets his prescription updated.
Well
May 4, 2019
Friend: I love the well, and the well loves you.
Breakup
March 30, 2019
First Friend: The abomination sent you.
Second Friend: Did the abomination look like a fist?
First Friend: Yes.
Second Friend: What’s going on with you two? Bad breakup?
Rocks
February 22, 2019
Eleven-Year-Old: Massaging rocks never works.
Mermaid
February 8, 2019
Me: Wait, it was the same mermaid for both of us?
