March 26, 2018

Me: It seems like, of your close friends, you and [Her Boyfriend] do the least stuff together.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I know. That’s because we’re totally awkward.
Me: Do you just sit there mooning at each other?

Not the butts kind of mooning.



February 25, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why flirt when you have Life Alert? “Help! I’ve fallen in love and can’t get up!”


January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.


January 15, 2018

Wife: Was I in the room at the time?
Me: You were facing the other way, but I thought you were listening.
Wife: Wow, that’s like our entire sex life, right there.
Me: What?


January 1, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: My boyfriend is pregnant with a bagel.
Me: Is it yours?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I don’t know.
Wife: If it’s a bagel, it’s hers.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Actually, well he’s only like two point seven five percent pregnant.


August 26, 2017

Me: What does it say on your forehead?
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Date night.”


August 19, 2017

High School Bus Driver: I’m not cheap, but I’m easy.


July 25, 2017

Me: I just bought a twelve pack of unlubricated French letters for my daughter.


July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!


June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison