December 10, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: They don’t know about sex. They know about surface-level sex.



September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.


August 16, 2018

Me: That’s a little too fetish-y for me.


July 25, 2018

Graduate Student: Why not just have a fucking cocktail, and deal with your sexual ambiguities later?


July 13, 2018

Graduate Student: I’m a bisexual man. I like beer and mixed drinks.


July 1, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t really want to watch ghosts making love, but maybe that’s just me.


March 26, 2018

Me: It seems like, of your close friends, you and [Her Boyfriend] do the least stuff together.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I know. That’s because we’re totally awkward.
Me: Do you just sit there mooning at each other?

Not the butts kind of mooning.


February 25, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why flirt when you have Life Alert? “Help! I’ve fallen in love and can’t get up!”


January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.


January 15, 2018

Wife: Was I in the room at the time?
Me: You were facing the other way, but I thought you were listening.
Wife: Wow, that’s like our entire sex life, right there.
Me: What?