Her

June 2, 2020

Me: I can’t take a shit in the summer without thinking of her.

Vertebrae

March 15, 2020

Fifteen-Year-Old: The more your vertebrae are crushed, the more I love you.

Sadly

February 2, 2020

Me: Sadly, “Christian domestic discipline furries” gets no Google hits.
Friend: Blog.

Thoughts

February 1, 2020

Me: Today’s thoughts while reading William Morris: It’s not a good idea to just have sex with the first witch you meet in the woods.

Engagement

December 3, 2019

Friend: You have an engagement ring in your pocket, and instead of taking the ring off his finger, you only succeed in putting another ring on him.

Consent

November 28, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: Consent, Mom, consent!
Wife: For smelling cheese?

Promise

October 4, 2019

Wife: Nobody likes eating hair.
Fifteen-Year-Old: I promise you it’s somebody’s kink.

Ogres

August 25, 2019

Friend: Ogres love hard!

Abstract

August 18, 2019

Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.

Sensual

June 6, 2019

First Student [whispering]: Fuck you.
Second Student: Okay, fine. That was very sensual.