Sexy

July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!

Girlfriend

June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison

Harem

April 27, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.

Lipstick

April 24, 2017

Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.

Flashbacks

March 26, 2017

Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.

Cross-Sexual

March 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.

Office

February 10, 2017

Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?

Hoarding

December 30, 2016

Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
Wife: Yet.

Lesbian

December 17, 2016

Wife: I’m going to become a lesbian.
Me: In the shower?

I’m

December 4, 2016

Me: I’m your bed meat!