Promise

October 4, 2019

Wife: Nobody likes eating hair.
Fifteen-Year-Old: I promise you it’s somebody’s kink.

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Ogres

August 25, 2019

Friend: Ogres love hard!

Abstract

August 18, 2019

Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.

Sensual

June 6, 2019

First Student [whispering]: Fuck you.
Second Student: Okay, fine. That was very sensual.

Fetish

June 1, 2019

Colleague: That means he probably has a foot fetish.

Cobbler’s

May 26, 2019

Colleague: It’s like—what is it—”The cobbler’s children have no shoes”? The optometrist’s husband never gets his prescription updated.

Well

May 4, 2019

Friend: I love the well, and the well loves you.

Breakup

March 30, 2019

First Friend: The abomination sent you.
Second Friend: Did the abomination look like a fist?
First Friend: Yes.
Second Friend: What’s going on with you two? Bad breakup?

Rocks

February 22, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Massaging rocks never works.

Mermaid

February 8, 2019

Me: Wait, it was the same mermaid for both of us?