March 26, 2017

Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.


March 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.


February 10, 2017

Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?


December 30, 2016

Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
Wife: Yet.


December 17, 2016

Wife: I’m going to become a lesbian.
Me: In the shower?


December 4, 2016

Me: I’m your bed meat!

Lady Squirrels

October 28, 2016

Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.


October 12, 2016

Me: You have specific requirements for bananas.

I’m so happy to have spent the last twenty years with you, love!


October 8, 2016

Wife: Ew, man liquid.
Me: And not the good kind, either.
Wife: There is no good kind. There’s bad and worse.

I mean, it leads to eighteen years of weirdness.


October 7, 2016

Me: I don’t mess around about messing around.