March 26, 2017
Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.
March 24, 2017
Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.
February 10, 2017
Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?
December 30, 2016
Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
December 17, 2016
Wife: I’m going to become a lesbian.
Me: In the shower?
December 4, 2016
Me: I’m your bed meat!
October 28, 2016
Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.
October 12, 2016
Me: You have specific requirements for bananas.
I’m so happy to have spent the last twenty years with you, love!
October 8, 2016
Wife: Ew, man liquid.
Me: And not the good kind, either.
Wife: There is no good kind. There’s bad and worse.
I mean, it leads to eighteen years of weirdness.
October 7, 2016
Me: I don’t mess around about messing around.