Her

Me: I can’t take a shit in the summer without thinking of her.

Vertebrae

Fifteen-Year-Old: The more your vertebrae are crushed, the more I love you.

Sadly

Me: Sadly, “Christian domestic discipline furries” gets no Google hits.
Friend: Blog.

Thoughts

Me: Today’s thoughts while reading William Morris: It’s not a good idea to just have sex with the first witch you meet in the woods.

Engagement

Friend: You have an engagement ring in your pocket, and instead of taking the ring off his finger, you only succeed in putting another ring on him.

Consent

Fifteen-Year-Old: Consent, Mom, consent!
Wife: For smelling cheese?

Promise

Wife: Nobody likes eating hair.
Fifteen-Year-Old: I promise you it’s somebody’s kink.

Ogres

Friend: Ogres love hard!

Abstract

Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.

Sensual

First Student [whispering]: Fuck you.
Second Student: Okay, fine. That was very sensual.