Mermaid

February 8, 2019

Me: Wait, it was the same mermaid for both of us?

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Wraith

January 26, 2019

Friend: Don’t want to interrupt any nookie or anything.
Me: Wraith/fox person nookie?

Mermaid

January 21, 2019

Friend: A gnome zombie has just clawed your…
Me: … “mermaid parts”?

Surface

December 10, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: They don’t know about sex. They know about surface-level sex.

Zone

September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.

Fetish-y

August 16, 2018

Me: That’s a little too fetish-y for me.

Ambiguities

July 25, 2018

Graduate Student: Why not just have a fucking cocktail, and deal with your sexual ambiguities later?

Bisexual

July 13, 2018

Graduate Student: I’m a bisexual man. I like beer and mixed drinks.

Ghosts

July 1, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t really want to watch ghosts making love, but maybe that’s just me.

Mooning

March 26, 2018

Me: It seems like, of your close friends, you and [Her Boyfriend] do the least stuff together.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I know. That’s because we’re totally awkward.
Me: Do you just sit there mooning at each other?


Not the butts kind of mooning.