Luxury

May 31, 2019

Student: I am currently a big fan of cheap sunglasses and other luxury drinks.

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Sheep

May 30, 2019

Colleague [reading]: “Tuesday we drink sheep.”
What does that even mean?

Spandex

May 29, 2019

Student: I may want to change into spandex, so I don’t keep flashing everybody.

Texted

May 28, 2019

Student: The last Punjabi who texted me, my mom had a very interesting night.

Ratio

May 27, 2019

Student: It’s all about the butt ratio.

Cobbler’s

May 26, 2019

Colleague: It’s like—what is it—”The cobbler’s children have no shoes”? The optometrist’s husband never gets his prescription updated.

Pimento

May 25, 2019

First Colleague: What is that substance?
Me: Pimento cheese.
First Colleague: Oh, okay.
Second Colleague: I like how you called it a “substance.”

Forgetting

May 24, 2019

Friend: I keep forgetting what your fake name is.
Me: Brittany.

Shards

May 23, 2019

Friend: You’re all covered with bone shards and brains and viscera.
Me: As a wolfen should be.

Canyon

May 22, 2019

Friend: Let’s not flood the slot canyon.