Euphoric

Friend:  Euphoric.
Friend’s Wife:  You looked that up.
Friend:  Your mom looked that up.
…
Why are you smiling?
Me:  Your mom knows how to use a dictionary.

Ever Appropriate

Friend:  I don’t know if dead dad jokes are ever appropriate.

Champagne

Friend’s Wife:  Grab the champagne, and we can step on it.

Wide

First Friend:  He’s a musician.
Second Friend:  I didn’t know [Third Friend] was a musician.  What does he play?
Second Friend’s Wife:  Your mom!
…
You left it wide open!

Cocaine

Me:  Your ex-wife is cocaine bear?
Friend and Friend’s Wife [in unison]:  Yes!

Shoulder

Friend:  I took a picture of my shoulder, but it was disappointingly not gnarly

Clearcut

Colleague:  If it were a clearcut case, I would have no opinion.

Robbery

Me:  If you’re ever caught in a liquor store robbery in the South, you sing this and they have to let you go.

Private

Me:  It’s private, so that only I can see it.
Eleven-Year-Old:  Then why are you putting it on there?
Me:  Because I found it funny.
…
And to be passive aggressive.

Scorpion

Me:  What’s a water scorpion?
Eleven-Year-Old:  Oh, wow!  I never realized it before.  It’s a small, aquatic face-hugger!