Pics

Wife: Dick pics are everywhere. This is one of the things you learn as a woman. The world is a giant forest of dick pics.

Al-Amir Mediterranean Cuisine

Me: Come for the food.
Stay because your food hasn’t arrived yet.
Leave because of the all-around dickishness.

Wad

Wife: Please don’t talk with a wad of phlegm in your mouth. It’s really unpleasant to listen to.

Dying

Wife: I won’t stop being related to your family just because you die. How’s that going, by the way?
Me: My dying?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Getting closer every day.

Dime

Wife: What is that?
Me: I had a dime stuck to my body.

Education

Mother-In-Law: Did you get that from some kind of special education store?

Marsupial

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a marsupial.

Root

Nine-Year-Old: What is a tree’s favorite drink?
Wife: Oh, that’s a good one. What is a tree’s favorite drink?
…
Root beer!
Nine-Year-Old: Right!
Four-Year-Old: No, water! Water is for trees to drink!

Primates

Wife: I’m not just coming up with more and more obscure primates. This is not something that should escalate.

Scoop

Wife: Make a booze list, since I need to go to the chef store with [Friend] some time this week to get a birdseed scoop.