June 30, 2016

Wife: Dick pics are everywhere. This is one of the things you learn as a woman. The world is a giant forest of dick pics.

Me: Come for the food.
Stay because your food hasn’t arrived yet.
Leave because of the all-around dickishness.


June 28, 2016

Wife: Please don’t talk with a wad of phlegm in your mouth. It’s really unpleasant to listen to.


June 27, 2016

Wife: I won’t stop being related to your family just because you die. How’s that going, by the way?
Me: My dying?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Getting closer every day.


June 26, 2016

Wife: What is that?
Me: I had a dime stuck to my body.


June 25, 2016

Mother-In-Law: Did you get that from some kind of special education store?


June 24, 2016

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a marsupial.


June 23, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: What is a tree’s favorite drink?
Wife: Oh, that’s a good one. What is a tree’s favorite drink?

Root beer!
Nine-Year-Old: Right!
Four-Year-Old: No, water! Water is for trees to drink!


June 22, 2016

Wife: I’m not just coming up with more and more obscure primates. This is not something that should escalate.


June 21, 2016

Wife: Make a booze list, since I need to go to the chef store with [Friend] some time this week to get a birdseed scoop.