Comb

August 15, 2018

Colleague: You can’t comb the hair on a billiard ball.

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Pretending

July 19, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], stop doing that.
Six-Year-Old: I’m pretending to eat him, like a gelatinous cube.

Reading

June 28, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Don’t shoot me in the back of the head while I’m reading!

Portal

June 19, 2018

Wife: You have to pick up more portal poop.

Shock

June 18, 2018

Me: Turn off the PlayStation. And pick up that DVD case.
Six-Year-Old: It’s the case for “Blow Shock.”

Control

June 12, 2018

Wife: It looks like Jell-O in the sky, but it’s really mind control.

Blocks

June 5, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: I can’t read his blocks.

Gravity

May 20, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I was going so fast, gravity didn’t get me.
Me: So you beat gravity?
Six-Year-Old: Yes.
Wife: What did you beat it with?
Ten-Year-Old: A stick.

Ancestors

May 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Maybe I can see the memories of my ancestors.
Wife: In your Play-Doh?

Dart

April 10, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I need a dart.
Me: No, you don’t.
Six-Year-Old: Yes, I do.
Me: You do not need a dart in bed. You absolutely don’t.