Blocky

June 7, 2017

Cashier: I tried playing Minecraft, but I couldn’t understand it.
Nine-Year-Old: It’s a world with lots of blocky stuff and death… and peaceful things.

Juggle

June 5, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I think I can juggle!
Me: Good.
Five-Year-Old: Now get me some balls, so I can see how.

Dinosaur

May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.

Dynamite

May 20, 2017

Wife: That was a waste of good dynamite. That was also…
Oh, my face!

Hags

May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.

On Fire

May 15, 2017

Me: Why is his shadow on fire?

Killing

May 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: You’re supposed to be on my team!
Five-Year-Old: You keep killing your team!

Share

May 5, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I’ve had my share of getting hit in the stomach with balls.

Attack

May 1, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I’m going to use the bathroom, so don’t attack me.
Five-Year-Old: Okay, I’ll attack!

Sniping

April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.