February 4, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I have a surprise.
Me: What?
Six-Year-Old: Piranha attack!



February 2, 2018

Wife: Do you think jumping on the bed is something D.J.’s do?


January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.


January 29, 2018

Me: I can’t gesture, because I’m invisible.


January 28, 2018

Friend: It says, “For the glory of Fair Ghinor, Sarpedon labors in his watery fastness among the stars.” So that’s what it says.
Me: So, typical Cthulhu-oid baloney.


January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.


January 26, 2018

First Friend: I’ve got like eighty pounds of panther jerky.

Me: Cool story, bro.
Second Friend: You’re telling us this, why?


November 28, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I’m going to rob the bank while you’re gone.


November 18, 2017

Friend’s Son: I ain’t afraid of no gold!


November 17, 2017

Former Student: I still don’t trust with narrative.
Colleague: Then the snake would have had to have lied to us.