Dinosaur

May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.

Dynamite

May 20, 2017

Wife: That was a waste of good dynamite. That was also…
Oh, my face!

Hags

May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.

On Fire

May 15, 2017

Me: Why is his shadow on fire?

Killing

May 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: You’re supposed to be on my team!
Five-Year-Old: You keep killing your team!

Share

May 5, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I’ve had my share of getting hit in the stomach with balls.

Attack

May 1, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I’m going to use the bathroom, so don’t attack me.
Five-Year-Old: Okay, I’ll attack!

Sniping

April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.

Lottery

April 18, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: There is a beer lottery.

On

March 8, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m on the baconator.