October 31, 2011

Me: What?
Wife: What do you mean, “What?”?
Me: You mumbled something.
Wife: No, I didn’t. That was me slurping my cream.


October 30, 2011

Me [reading pawn shop sign]: “Perfect pocket carry gun for spring”?


October 29, 2011

Wife [to Four-Year-Old]: Wow! You’re holding your backpack with your blanket in it and sucking your thumb. That’s a new level of…
Me: Regression?
Wife: I don’t know what.


October 28, 2011

Me: Want to eat somewhere where they’ve got lots of protein?
Wife: I guess so.
Me: Where?
Wife: I don’t know.
Me: Well, there’s Bob’s Bacon Barn.
Wife: No, there isn’t.
Me: There should be.
Wife: No, there shouldn’t.


October 27, 2011

Wife: Why is he trying to eat a cannon?
Me: No, he just has to load the cannon with a word from his mouth.


October 26, 2011

Me: You need to put your jacket on. It’s pretty chilly out there.
Four-Year-Old: No, it isn’t.
Me: Yes, it is. Have you been out there?
Four-Year-Old: Yes, for a whole week.


October 25, 2011

Me: Eating the macaroni is more important than carrying the macaroni.


October 24, 2011

Me: I made a bad decision with a caramel apple. I developed a mild taste aversion.
Wife: Oh ho! You developed an affectation of a slight taste aversion!


October 23, 2011

Wife: Did you pay for [Four-Year-Old]?
Me: Yes.
Wife: For day care?
Me: No, I paid for them to turn him into a pumpkin. What else would I have paid for for him?


October 22, 2011

Wife: I’m going to bang my head against the car until it falls off.