Mysteriously

Eighteen-Year-Old:  Drink some water.
Ex-Wife:  Me?
Eighteen-Year-Old:  Everyone.
Ex-Wife:  I drank all my water, and then I drank the extra water that mysteriously appeared on the end table.

Cells

Eighteen-Year-Old:  Your cells are like, “Damn, I don’t get this!”

Homophobic

Eighteen-Year-Old:  Aaa!
Me:  What’s the matter?
Eighteen-Year-Old:  They’re showing food!  That’s homophobic!

Streamers

Eighteen-Year-Old:  There are some good socialist streamers.
Me:  Oh, I’m sure there are, but the odds are against it.

Lectured

Eighteen-Year-Old:  I was lectured online recently by somebody for being a “cultural Marxist,” and I should be ashamed of myself. I was like, “Well, I am Jewish, but…”

Dispenser

Me:  Drunken man can’t understand automatic towel dispenser.

Nevsky

Me:  I had meant to sleep until the time of Alexander Nevsky, but…

Chief

Me:  I don’t believe that there exists a “chief master sergeant of the Space Force.”

Pope

Me:  And, by “deputy,” I don’t mean the pope.

Closet

Eighteen-Year-Old:  It was like they’d been pulled out of the back closet—the murder closet—specifically for that.