August 31, 2011

Wife’s Friend: The park’s getting popular now.
Me: They can’t all be sexual predators.


August 30, 2011

Wife’s Friend [after being handed money]: What? Am I stripping?
Wife: This is for not stripping.


August 29, 2011

Four-Year-Old [after tripping on a root]: There were the dragon bones there!


August 28, 2011

Me: Aww… baby on a zipline.
Wife: “Baby on a Zipline” sounds like a really bad book.


August 27, 2011

Me: Can I write on this menu? I assume you’re not going to need it again.


August 26, 2011

Me: I admire and appreciate your ability to grow new people.
Wife: You make me sound like I’ve got a crawl space full of vats.


August 25, 2011

Me: It’s almost time for bed.
Four-Year-Old: But I can’t sl—!
I mean, I’m not ti—!
I mean, ….


August 24, 2011

Me: Finally, where do you want me to put our survivalist accessories?

One Assumes

August 23, 2011

Me: I wonder if you can get white wine extract?
Wife: Of course you can. How do you think Mormons cook? If you say, “Badly, one assumes,” then…


August 22, 2011

Me: I’m putting a viscoelestic foam pillow down at this end of the bed.
Wife: Is it the right way around?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Is it the way I like it, or is it turned around the way you think it should go.