Militia

Me [reading shop’s sign]: “Jim’s Army and Navy”?
Wife: I don’t think it’s a private militia.

Pharaoh

Wife: Honey Glaze.
Me: That’s right out of Pharaoh Attacks 2.
Wife: Let’s not start that tonight.
Three-Year-Old: Pharaoh Attacks. Pharaoh Attacks. Pharaoh Attacks.

Fountainhead

Wife: If you’re done, you need to mosey on away from the table. Art, book, game, or whatever.
Six-Year-Old: But I don’t have any games!
Wife: The great thing is, Grandpa has about five hundred books, so I’m sure you can find one you haven’t read.
Me: Stay away from The Fountainhead.

Euphemisms

Me: I’ve been meaning to start using some affected euphemisms for going to the bathroom.

Aesthetics

Me: I like the aesthetics of the deodorant sitting next to the hip flask. They look good together.

Face Plants

Six-Year-Old: My food keeps doing face plants.

Lookout

Me: All right, let’s look and see if there’s any coyotes here.
Six-Year-Old: I’m not on the lookout, because that’s crazy.

Growling

Me: Stop growling at me.
Three-Year-Old: I wasn’t.
Me: You weren’t?
Three-Year-Old: I was growling at myself.

Seagulls

Six-Year-Old: Why are there so many seagulls?
Me: Why not? Is there a law against seagulls?
Three-Year-Old: Yeah.

Draping

Me: So, do I need to pack clothes for everybody?
Wife: No, I’m planning on only taking underwear and draping over all the parts of my body. We’ll tell them it’s something Jews do, and they shouldn’t poke fun at our religion.
Me: Jews and Lady Gaga.