Minivan

June 30, 2015

Wife: I’ve been thinking about trading in the minivan.
Me: For what?
Wife: For another minivan. I’m a big fan of car payments, apparently.
Me: Well, car payments are better than boat payments.
Wife: Why?
Me: Because when you’re done with them, you have a car instead of a boat.

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Hit

June 29, 2015

Wife [reading car]: “Just Married.”

Let’s hit them.

Irradiated

June 28, 2015

Wife [reading sign]: “Oak Ridge, next right.”
If we lived here, we’d be home now… and irradiated.

Excuse

June 27, 2015

Woman Standing in Line for the Kids’ Train Ride at the Zoo: That’s what he wants—someone who’ll kiss his ass, and she’s a good lay. But she’s so fucking pathetic, not like us. On Thanksgiving, my brother was cooking for thirteen people. She was supposed to set the table, and she couldn’t finish that. My other brother had to help her finish. You know she’s got lupus, and she uses that an excuse for everything.

Clamps

June 26, 2015

Me: How can you say nipple clamps aren’t funny?

Fetishist

June 25, 2015

Me: Look!
Wife: What?
Me: There’s a penguin dummy in that bag, with just the feet sticking out.
Wife: Penguin?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: How do you know it’s a penguin?
Me: It’s some kind of waterfowl with black feet. It could be a duck.
Wife: A guy with that many ammo bags in his trunk, penguin isn’t the first thing I’d think.
Me: It wasn’t a decoy. It would be, like, four feet tall. It was the only thing in that whole bag.
Wife: He doesn’t look like a penguin fetishist to me.

Open

June 24, 2015

Me: Nobody wants to hear about about your open marriage on Facebook.

Intermittently

June 23, 2015

Me: This street has intermittently visible lane lines.

Bank

June 22, 2015

Me [reading sign]: “Financial Bank.”
Cousin: As opposed to commercial bank.
Me: More like as opposed to river bank.

Annoy

June 21, 2015

Wife [as me]: “I got herpes just to annoy my mom.”