July 31, 2014

Me: The kink stuff wasn’t invented in 1967.


July 30, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: They’re still in the driveway.
Me: Ask them if they’re here for the seance.


July 29, 2014

Ten-Year-Old [to security camera]: Hey, camera! Look at me! Look at me!
Me: What are you doing, setting up an alibi?


July 28, 2014

Ten-Year-Old: What are you doing to Daddy’s hair?
Wife: I’m looking for spots I need to fix.
He needs hair repair.
Ten-Year-Old: Are you going to superglue it on there?


July 27, 2014

Me: You were riffing on the word “passport.” I was riffing on the word “my.” But we both got each other’s references!
Wife: I don’t know why this makes you so happy.


July 26, 2014

Me: It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I could be both an atheist and an observant Jew.


July 25, 2014

Wife: What were you referring to?
Me: I said, “My passport.”
Wife: But that doesn’t make any sense, because Kevin Costner didn’t have a passport, he had a boat.
Me: But you got the reference!
Wife: That’s not a good thing!


July 24, 2014

Me: You are the most wonderful woman in the world. I want to be able to make chicken broth for you for many years.
Wife: What?


July 23, 2014

Me: Take my transdimensional S and M mask.


July 22, 2014

Me: So, you’re not familiar with Jean Shepherd’s oeuvre.


How do you pronounce that?
Wife: “Work.”