Low-Calorie

July 31, 2010

Me: Grandma, do you have sugar?
Grandmother: Down in the back of that cupboard, there’s low-calorie sugar, or brown sugar, or something.
Me: Low-calorie sugar?

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Mouthwash

July 30, 2010

Me: Did you get something?
Brother: Yes, I got a package of chocolate chips and some mouthwash.

Canonical

July 29, 2010

Cousin: [looking at magazine] Jennifer Aniston looks good, but she’s too orange
Me: That’s because she’s Photoshopped.
And as far as I’m concerned, Jenifer Aniston has a canonical haircut, and that’s not it.
Cousin: What?
Me: Look, she has a haircut named after her.
Brother: And you’re gay.

Toy

July 28, 2010

Three-Year-Old: Is that an ice cream toy?
Me: Actually, it’s ice-cream-shaped marshmallow candy. I don’t know why you’d want that instead of real ice cream.
Three-Year-Old: But I do.
Wife: Because he’s three.
Three-Year-Old: And its a toy.

Curse

July 27, 2010

Me: There’s no documentation of the Curse of the Bambino—sportswriters writing about it—until, I think, the late ’70s.
Brother: He was traded to the Red Sox?
Wife: Traded from.
Me: Not traded, he was sold… for one hundred thousand dollars.
Wife: I love how you said that like some kind of hill person, down in the bayou.
[Appalachian pirate voice] “And that’s how the Curse of the Bambino started. He was sold for one hundred thousand dollars. Watch out for the swamp creature.”

Phone

July 26, 2010

Grandmother: I had him call Dan’s cell, since I was afraid of the other phone.

Apocalypse

July 25, 2010

Cousin: I really got hurt. I might be dead when I come back up.
Cousin’s Mother: Then you won’t be coming back up.
Wife: We await the zombie apocalypse.
Six-Year-Old: What’s the zombie apocalypse?

Blanket-Bot

July 24, 2010

Six-Year-Old: I am blanket-bot. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?
Wife: What can blanket-bot do?
Me: Stab?
Six-Year-Old: What do you want blanket-bot to do?
Wife: Sing a song.
Cousin: Original, no covers.

Slime

July 23, 2010

Six-Year-Old: Mommy, have I told you that Wesley has actual slime in his shoes?

Navigate

July 22, 2010

Three-Year-Old: I don’t want to go over there! I don’t want to go over there!
Wife: Well, we don’t navigate based on [your] feelings, so it’ll be OK.