Tape

Wife: We need to be there by six thirty, and we need to have a side dish already cooked. So what are we going to do for that?
Me: Good question. Let’s go to tape.

Documentation

Wife: You kissed my neck and then went quack.
Me: How is that documentation?
Wife: “Duck imitation”!

Sink

Wife: Are you growing a separate beard in the sink?

Yet

Me [waking up]: Are we there yet?
Wife: What?
Me: I dreamed we were travelling to religious school by bed.

Happens

Wife: Ew!
Me: What?
Wife: Your poop—it smells like you’ve been eating cat food.
Me: Well, as it happens, it turned out there was a lot of it.
…
Not cat food—poop.

Sander

Wife: The problem with a power sander is that we would probably try to sand all the things!

Eating

First Student: I’ve been reading you what they’ve been talking about, so you’re caught up.
Second Student: Except I’ve been eating my apple.
First Student: Can’t you eat and think at the same time?
Second Student: I don’t.
First Student: Neither do I, really.

Farts

Wife: You smell better than your farts do.

Lesbian

Wife: This started out with me being a lesbian.
Me: Then you became a genetically modified human… for cake.

Say

Wife: Good night.
Me: Oh, don’t say, “Good night.”
Wife: Fine. Fuck you.