February 28, 2015

Wife: Stop saying that is unfounded! It is totally founded!



February 27, 2015

Wife: There used to be a more significant long leaf pine habitat in the Southeast, and it has several important endemic species, like the red-cockaded woodpecker and some kind of tree frog.
Me: Mmm. I like tree frogs.
Wife: Don’t say “Mmm”!


February 26, 2015

Me: You can each have one cookie.
Three-Year-Old: Five cookies!


February 25, 2015

Me: I’m not sure if I’ve got a piece of popcorn stuck in there or not.
Wife: Well, if you weren’t able to tell by flossing with a piece of plastic, I don’t…


February 24, 2015

Wife: Please don’t start drinking as soon as we meet these people.


February 23, 2015

Wife: Get out of here and into my dreams!
Me: I’ll see you in the Civil War sex dungeon!
Wife: Great. Now I’m actually going to have a nightmare about that.


February 22, 2015

Wife: Somebody already requested help stuffing envelopes for his dissertation.


February 21, 2015

Me: You look pretty this morning.
Wife: The maps like it when I look pretty for them.
No, no, that’s not right.


February 20, 2015

Me: You’ve got a yard sign for a liquor store?
Ten-Year-Old [singing]: Who knows what people will do? Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody, nobody, nobody knows what people will do, what people, people, people will do.


February 19, 2015

Wife: What the fuck you talkin’ ’bout Willis?!?