Unfounded
February 28, 2015
Wife: Stop saying that is unfounded! It is totally founded!
Cockaded
February 27, 2015
Wife: There used to be a more significant long leaf pine habitat in the Southeast, and it has several important endemic species, like the red-cockaded woodpecker and some kind of tree frog.
Me: Mmm. I like tree frogs.
Wife: Don’t say “Mmm”!
Five
February 26, 2015
Me: You can each have one cookie.
Three-Year-Old: Five cookies!
Flossing
February 25, 2015
Me: I’m not sure if I’ve got a piece of popcorn stuck in there or not.
Wife: Well, if you weren’t able to tell by flossing with a piece of plastic, I don’t…
Meet
February 24, 2015
Wife: Please don’t start drinking as soon as we meet these people.
Dreams
February 23, 2015
Wife: Get out of here and into my dreams!
Me: I’ll see you in the Civil War sex dungeon!
Wife: Great. Now I’m actually going to have a nightmare about that.
Envelopes
February 22, 2015
Wife: Somebody already requested help stuffing envelopes for his dissertation.
Maps
February 21, 2015
Me: You look pretty this morning.
Wife: The maps like it when I look pretty for them.
No, no, that’s not right.
Who
February 20, 2015
Me: You’ve got a yard sign for a liquor store?
Ten-Year-Old [singing]: Who knows what people will do? Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody, nobody, nobody knows what people will do, what people, people, people will do.
Willis
February 19, 2015
Wife: What the fuck you talkin’ ’bout Willis?!?
Your Dialogue is Unrealistic. 