February 28, 2013

Wife: I’ve decided I’m going to live in my office.
Me: But! You said I couldn’t sleep in my office!
Wife: But you’re a professor.
Me: How is it any different with you being a grad student?
Wife: I’m smaller; I’m quieter; and I fart less. That’s the difference.
Me: Are you saying—?
Wife: That’s the argument I’m making, yes. And you can’t find a logical reason I’m wrong, because my argument is actually completely illogical!



February 27, 2013

College Student: Wait… a colon is two dots, right?


February 26, 2013

Five-Year-Old: I’m scared all through the night, that I’m going to get bitten by millions of spiders every night.

Hair Security

February 25, 2013

Wife: Maybe I’m just lulling you into a false sense of hair security.


February 24, 2013

Eight-Year-Old: It’s France, and I’m a pirate, and it’s New Year’s Eve!


February 23, 2013

Wife: He’s not a afraid of Mommy. Mommy makes milk.
Me: Mommy makes milk.
Wife: My first tactical mistake was feeding him, instead of yelling at him all the time.


February 22, 2013

Me: I don’t remember what I was Googling today, but it came up with a sponsored link to an erotic Tarzan parody.


February 21, 2013

Five-Year-Old: I know when I need to take a bath.
Wife: It’s not never.
Five-Year-Old [whispering]: Yes it is.
Me: Do you want to show him pictures of people who never take baths, so he can see what they look like?
Wife: You want me to Google the weirdest things!


February 20, 2013

Me: That was not enough time for anyone to brush their teeth, unless they’re Superman, or the Flash.
Five-Year-Old: None of them is real!
Me: So that means that wasn’t enough time for anybody to brush.


February 19, 2013

Me: I have, like, after-school activity aphasia.