November 20, 2016
Wife: Why is there an olive pit on the chair?
Me: Why are [Twelve-Year-Old’s] underwear behind the mattress?
November 19, 2016
Four-Year-Old: Let’s build a sunngle fort!
November 18, 2016
Wife: Oh, this is for you.
Me [reading]: “… man skin…”
Wife: Yep, I got you a jar of man skin.
November 17, 2016
Four-Year-Old: Get the sparkling butt pants!
November 16, 2016
Me: I had a really bad dream last night. It was like Donald Trump was in The Silmarillion. Imagine if trump were leading the armies in the War of the Jewels, instead of the sons of Fëanor. “We’re going to build a wall around Angband! And who’s going to pay for that wall? Morgoth!”
November 15, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: I know that guy.
He’s a very egotistical guy.
Very full of himself, and his hair.
November 14, 2016
Me: As long as it continues flashing, I’m going to keep making Logan’s Run jokes, I’m afraid.
November 13, 2016
Wife: Are you Googling “food blimp”?
Me: No, but I can.
November 12, 2016
Me: I guess I’m going to have to build a real food blimp, just to prove to you that I can.
November 11, 2016
Friend: [His Daughter], do you remember my phone number?
His Daughter: I wasn’t allowed to memorize it!