Pit

November 20, 2016

Wife: Why is there an olive pit on the chair?
Me: Why are [Twelve-Year-Old’s] underwear behind the mattress?

Snuggle

November 19, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Let’s build a sunngle fort!

Skin

November 18, 2016

Wife: Oh, this is for you.
Me [reading]: “… man skin…”
Wife: Yep, I got you a jar of man skin.

Sparkling

November 17, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Get the sparkling butt pants!

Jewels

November 16, 2016

Me: I had a really bad dream last night. It was like Donald Trump was in The Silmarillion. Imagine if trump were leading the armies in the War of the Jewels, instead of the sons of FĂ«anor. “We’re going to build a wall around Angband! And who’s going to pay for that wall? Morgoth!”

Egotistical

November 15, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: I know that guy.

He’s a very egotistical guy.

Very full of himself, and his hair.

Continues

November 14, 2016

Me: As long as it continues flashing, I’m going to keep making Logan’s Run jokes, I’m afraid.

But

November 13, 2016

Wife: Are you Googling “food blimp”?
Me: No, but I can.

Prove

November 12, 2016

Me: I guess I’m going to have to build a real food blimp, just to prove to you that I can.

Memorize

November 11, 2016

Friend: [His Daughter], do you remember my phone number?
His Daughter: I wasn’t allowed to memorize it!