February 29, 2012

Wife: I wish you’d hold his head better.
Me: I’ve got it fine.
Wife: Our kids are going to grow up with severe neck cramps.
Me: I’m just in it for the meningitis jokes.

Go Far

February 28, 2012

Wife: That was absolutely disgusting! You’ll go very far in college.
Me: He’ll be able to fart the alphabet.

Love Zero

February 27, 2012

Four-Year-Old: I love zero!

No truth!

February 26, 2012

Barthandelus, of Final Fantasy XIII: Face the truth!
Seven-Year-Old: No.
Four-Year-Old: No truth!


February 25, 2012

Friend: [Seven-Year-Old], can you show me where the face towels are?
Seven-Year-Old: [Points to infant wash cloths]
Friend: Can I have an adult size towel?
Seven-Year-Old: There are some downstairs on the sink.


February 24, 2012

Seven-Year-Old: We’re playing a game where I’m a wizard, and he’s a Decepticon Transformer.


February 23, 2012

Me: If I’m just sitting around, wearing my pants, it’s fine.


February 22, 2012

Wife: You could put your notebook in your scrotum, so you could write things down even when you’re naked.

Pee Fart

February 21, 2012

Wife: Stop saying “pee fart”!


February 20, 2012

Brother: Everything I know about epidurals I learned from Coupling.