Cod

Me: He’s Sid the Science Cod.

Insults

Wife: Why do you see red lights as personal insults?
“That yellow was looking at me funny. I’m going to show it!”

Calming

Me: I’m going to wear my calming wolf shirt.

Pedestrian

Wife: Don’t hold the boy back with your pedestrian ideas about [air quotes] “walking.”

Same Day

Me: [Reading sign] “C.P.R. Same Day”?
I hope that’s classes.
Wife: As opposed to those places that make you wait. I hate those ERs.

Falling in Cheese

Eight-Year-Old: Elephants! Elephants falling in cheese!

Moldy

Wife: Some of the projects were pretty bad, like “Does sliced cheese or grated cheese get moldy faster?” But at least it’s science! At least you’ve got moldy cheese in a bag!

Flavored

Wife: The lighter colored parts are less chili flavored.
Eight-Year-Old: But those taste disgusting too.

Crawl

Eight-Year-Old: Why are you doing that?
Wife: So people can crawl into the car and steal Daddy’s nose.
Eight-Year-Old: No, really, why?

Cupcake

Wife: Suck it up, cupcake!
Me: Cake…
Five-Year-Old: [Eight-Year-Old]’s a cake!
Eight-Year-Old: No, I’m not!
Five-Year-Old: Yes, you are a cake.
Eight-Year-Old: You’d better not eat me, if I am a cupcake.
…
But I don’t think it’s very likely that I am.