December 21, 2016
Wife: Can you wash the new towels? Because every time I dry off, I’m, like, covered in lint.
August 12, 2016
Friend: I told her to clean her room, because a strange white man might come in there and start moving out her furniture.
April 9, 2016
Me: In all three cases, once I knew that there were two opposing factions, I knew immediately what the primary bone of contention was. To wit: relations with the mainland, how into it the wife is allowed to be while it’s happening, and whether soap is ever appropriate.
January 13, 2016
Wife: Go into her room. On her desk, the bottom of blue stuff—smell it, because I can’t figure out what the fuck it is.
December 13, 2015
Wife: Don’t tell me that dishcloth isn’t ghetto, or Prague.
August 8, 2015
Me: I’ve got to go. The clothes dryer is pinging.
I’ve got to get a smaller Mother Box.
July 14, 2015
Wife: You just ran down the hall naked… to get me five ice cubes.
June 7, 2015
Me: Hire us to do your electrical work, and who knows where the jizz will end up!
May 27, 2015
Wife: The problem with a power sander is that we would probably try to sand all the things!
March 29, 2015
Wife: Stop huffing soap.