June 23, 2017

Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.



May 14, 2017

Me: What was that?
Wife: It was gratuitous wood.


December 21, 2016

Wife: Can you wash the new towels? Because every time I dry off, I’m, like, covered in lint.


August 12, 2016

Friend: I told her to clean her room, because a strange white man might come in there and start moving out her furniture.


April 9, 2016

Me: In all three cases, once I knew that there were two opposing factions, I knew immediately what the primary bone of contention was. To wit: relations with the mainland, how into it the wife is allowed to be while it’s happening, and whether soap is ever appropriate.


January 13, 2016

Wife: Go into her room. On her desk, the bottom of blue stuff—smell it, because I can’t figure out what the fuck it is.


December 13, 2015

Wife: Don’t tell me that dishcloth isn’t ghetto, or Prague.


August 8, 2015

Me: I’ve got to go. The clothes dryer is pinging.

I’ve got to get a smaller Mother Box.


July 14, 2015

Wife: You just ran down the hall naked… to get me five ice cubes.


June 7, 2015

Me: Hire us to do your electrical work, and who knows where the jizz will end up!