K-Pop

November 20, 2017

Me: No K-pop while I’m talking on the phone.
Thirteen-Year-Old: But I’m working!

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Arguments

November 16, 2017

Friend: No arguments about how to skin a panther!

Smacking

October 11, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Yeah!
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just smacking plates.

Implements

October 5, 2017

Wife: Let’s stop baptizing kitchen implements and see what we need to do for dinner.

Cleanse

September 30, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Wash away the sin! Cleanse the sin from this wicked knife. You will live a better life soon, knife, a better life.

Vacuumed

June 23, 2017

Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.

Gratuitous

May 14, 2017

Me: What was that?
Wife: It was gratuitous wood.

Lint

December 21, 2016

Wife: Can you wash the new towels? Because every time I dry off, I’m, like, covered in lint.

Furniture

August 12, 2016

Friend: I told her to clean her room, because a strange white man might come in there and start moving out her furniture.

Wit

April 9, 2016

Me: In all three cases, once I knew that there were two opposing factions, I knew immediately what the primary bone of contention was. To wit: relations with the mainland, how into it the wife is allowed to be while it’s happening, and whether soap is ever appropriate.