Arguing

September 22, 2018

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.

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Tab

August 27, 2018

Wife: Fuck you, “Press the release tab.”

Yell

August 26, 2018

Wife: That’s how I fix things. I yell at them until they work.
Six-Year-Old: Work! Work!

Genius

August 19, 2018

Six-Year-Old: There’s clothes in there.
Me: I know.
Six-Year-Old: How did you know?
Me: I put them in there.
Six-Year-Old: Wow, genius!

Clean

August 18, 2018

Me: Is your room picked up?
Eleven-Year-Old: It’s fabulous.
Me: It’s fabulous?
Eleven-Year-Old: It’s fabulous! Would clean again. Ten out of ten.

Archor

July 12, 2018

Six-Year-Old: It looked like an anchor fell out of the sky.

Lyric

June 1, 2018

Wife: Take five minutes. Get yourself dressed and ready to go. Then do laundry until you go.
Fourteen-Year-Old: That a lyric.

Schedule

April 18, 2018

Wife: Oh, my schedule! It burns!

Cutter

April 14, 2018

Wife: I am dropping a wire cutter on my face.

Dishes

April 7, 2018

Wife: [Fourteen-Year-Old], do the dishes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, I’m not losing my virginity to a bunch of dishes.
Wife: Plates make terrible dildoes, so I’m not worried.
Thirteen-Year-Old: What about knives?
Me: Worse!