June 1, 2018

Wife: Take five minutes. Get yourself dressed and ready to go. Then do laundry until you go.
Fourteen-Year-Old: That a lyric.



April 18, 2018

Wife: Oh, my schedule! It burns!


April 14, 2018

Wife: I am dropping a wire cutter on my face.


April 7, 2018

Wife: [Fourteen-Year-Old], do the dishes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, I’m not losing my virginity to a bunch of dishes.
Wife: Plates make terrible dildoes, so I’m not worried.
Thirteen-Year-Old: What about knives?
Me: Worse!


April 1, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I want more pasta.
Me: Then bring your bowl in here.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t want more pasta.
Wife: Then why are you trying to drown yourself while saying that?


March 11, 2018

Me: There’s that thing you can use to attach it to the wall.
Wife: Yeah, I should really do that.
Ten-Year-Old: Screws: have you heard of them?
Wife: Why do you… can’t even… really… that… say… now?
Five-Year-Old: Mom, why did you talk like that now?


March 5, 2018

Wife: What’s wrong with me? I bought a bucket of mud.


March 1, 2018

Friend: This is the part where we stand there in the middle of everything and surreptitiously exchange envelopes.


February 21, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: How can I remove glue from leather without damaging the leather?
Me: Eat it.
Thirteen-Year-Old: The glue or the leather?


February 5, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m cleaning my window. I have to clean my window, Dad. It has slime on it.