Window

February 5, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m cleaning my window. I have to clean my window, Dad. It has slime on it.

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Blower

January 16, 2018

Me: I just saw a guy using a weed whacker as a leaf blower.

Nasty

December 3, 2017

Wife: Oh, it’s a sponge! I was like, that’s some really nasty-ass garlic bread in there, man.

Live

November 23, 2017

Me: Wow, that smells terrible under there.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, yeah! It smells like dead paint.
Wife: What does live paint smell like?

K-Pop

November 20, 2017

Me: No K-pop while I’m talking on the phone.
Thirteen-Year-Old: But I’m working!

Arguments

November 16, 2017

Friend: No arguments about how to skin a panther!

Smacking

October 11, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Yeah!
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just smacking plates.

Implements

October 5, 2017

Wife: Let’s stop baptizing kitchen implements and see what we need to do for dinner.

Cleanse

September 30, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Wash away the sin! Cleanse the sin from this wicked knife. You will live a better life soon, knife, a better life.

Vacuumed

June 23, 2017

Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.