Sprayed

July 8, 2019

Wife: I just sprayed the wall with vitamin D. It’s fine!

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Thingy

May 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: When do we get the entertainment thingy?
Wife: I have to buy it from IKEA.
Seven-Year-Old: Who’s IKEA? Is that one of your friends?

Knives

April 19, 2019

Me: There will be no plastic Bowie knives on the kitchen floor.

Today

April 1, 2019

Whiteboard Writing: today
will be better
than yesterday
if you try
dish soap

Ghost

March 1, 2019

Me: The washing machine is making ghost noises.

Horse

January 14, 2019

Friend: [RPG Character] pours out some water on the horse and cleans the vomit out of its fur.

Hut

January 10, 2019

Six-Year-Old: That’s our hut.
Eleven-Year-Old: That’s not our hut. I do not live in a hut.

Replace

January 8, 2019

Six-Year-Old: Three hours later… one more lightbulb to replace….

Floyd

December 24, 2018

Me: So what does it mean?
Wife: Hand wash cold, while listening to Pink Floyd.

Australian

December 17, 2018

Wife: Oh my God, why is it squeaking?
Me: It’s Australian this evening, apparently.