Houdini

May 31, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Can I give you a list of things that can’t escape from a black hole?
Me: Sure.
Nine-Year-Old: Houdini, everything else.
Me: What about Mister Miracle?
Nine-Year-Old: No.

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Ashamed

May 30, 2017

Me: There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m a seventh grader.
Wife: She’s ashamed of everything.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not ashamed of my hair.

But I should be, ’cause it’s disgusting.

Islamic

May 29, 2017

Wife: Guess what? My underwear is not made by Islamic terrorists.

Talk

May 28, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Cats don’t talk, except when they’re making music.

Lava

May 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Don’t throw me down in the lava, my friend!

Bunny

May 26, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I made it roll down and hit the bunny in the butt! What the hell!

I mean, What the heck!

Raining

May 25, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want to make it raining radishes.

Barf

May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!

Gross

May 23, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Dad, Mom’s being gross!
Wife: I did not say you raped the cat!

Greasy

May 22, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Hug attack!
Wife: Look out. I’m greasy!