Raining

May 25, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want to make it raining radishes.

Barf

May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!

Gross

May 23, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Dad, Mom’s being gross!
Wife: I did not say you raped the cat!

Greasy

May 22, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Hug attack!
Wife: Look out. I’m greasy!

Dinosaur

May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.

Dynamite

May 20, 2017

Wife: That was a waste of good dynamite. That was also…
Oh, my face!

Hags

May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.

Poppy

May 18, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It looks like you have a big white poppy seed on your eyelash.

Citrus

May 17, 2017

Me: I was thinking of candied beef strips, like how you can candy citrus peel.
Wife: You mean by boiling them for a long time in sugar water?
Me: Okay, that wouldn’t work, would it?
Wife: No, but at least you would have a disgusting mess… that nobody would want to try. So there’s that.

Unintentional

May 16, 2017

Me: There was a the rare, unintentional, two-person armpit fart.