Hipsters

September 30, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Math hipsters are annoying.

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Chill

September 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s like, chill in the front, anxiety in the butt.

Snorlax

September 28, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You’re an adult. You look more like Snorlax.

Fondling

September 27, 2018

Wife: Stop fondling me with your toes. It was okay until you said, “Hey, baby.”

Lovers

September 26, 2018

Me: I tried Googling “emo music,” and the first song it suggested was called “Ohio is For Lovers.”

To be fair, that song is really emo.

Herring

September 25, 2018

Me: Oh, I think there’s something you’ll like, [Six-Year-Old]. [Aunt], show him the pickled herring salad.

Seventeenth

September 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: January? That reminds me of my seventeenth birthday!

Screwed

September 23, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It really mind screwed me. Ugh, it got me right in the feels.

Arguing

September 22, 2018

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.

Arrow

September 21, 2018

Graduate Student: You see a dead ratling, nailed to a tree by a very large arrow.
Friend’s Son: An ogre arrow.
Me: An “ograrrow,” if you will.