Hipsters

Eleven-Year-Old: Math hipsters are annoying.

Chill

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s like, chill in the front, anxiety in the butt.

Snorlax

Six-Year-Old:  You’re an adult.  You look more like Snorlax.

Fondling

Wife: Stop fondling me with your toes. It was okay until you said, “Hey, baby.”

Lovers

Me: I tried Googling “emo music,” and the first song it suggested was called “Ohio is For Lovers.”

To be fair, that song is really emo.

Herring

Me: Oh, I think there’s something you’ll like, [Six-Year-Old]. [Aunt], show him the pickled herring salad.

Seventeenth

Six-Year-Old: January? That reminds me of my seventeenth birthday!

Screwed

Fourteen-Year-Old: It really mind screwed me. Ugh, it got me right in the feels.

Arguing

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.

Arrow

Graduate Student: You see a dead ratling, nailed to a tree by a very large arrow.
Friend’s Son: An ogre arrow.
Me: An “ograrrow,” if you will.