Say

Wife: What did you say?
Me: I didn’t say anything.
Wife: Yes you did. I’m sure I heard you say something. I’ll look on your blog.

Potter Stewart

Me: When I googled “Potter Stewart pornography,” I was trying to find naked pictures of him. But nooooo.

Playing House

Me: What’s YoVille? Is it about a yogurt bar?
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Me: Seriously, what is it?
…
[Reading] “… sent you a Cappucino for your pad.”
So it just you have an apartment?
Wife: Ha ha ha. Pretty much. “You have a place to live and do things.”
Me: Being-in-the-World Ville. It’s like….
…
You know when I was little, the girl next door always wanted to play “house.” I never understood what was supposed to be interesting about that.
Wife: What? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Me: You know, kids doing it came first.
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Carrots

Three-Year-Old: Waaaah!!!
Me: What’s wrong?
Three-Year-Old: I want a carrot.
Wife: Give him a carrot.
Six-Year-Old: But—
Wife: There are two carrots.
Me: Give him one.
…
That wasn’t very nice.
Wife: I’m sure both Batman and Fairy Girl helped grow the carrots.
Six-Year-Old: We didn’t grow them.
Me: No! I told you not to try to get the carrots back from the rabbit!

All By Myself

Three-Year-Old: I love you, Daddy. I love Mommy. I love myself.
Me: And? Do you love your sister?
Three-Year-Old: I love my sister. I love her all by myself, all by myself.

Provocative

Me: How much do you want to bet North Korea does something provocative on the Starcraft release date?
Wife: Nothing?

Kabuki

Me: I dreamed I was performing in a complete Japanese Kabuki performance of The Lord of the Rings.
Wife: Hmmm. That’s dreadful.

Heat

Wife: I don’t do well with heat. It’s like one long hot flash. June to September, everybody’s menopausal.

Booty

Me: Excuse me.
Three-Year-Old: Did you fart?
Me: Yes.
Three-Year-Old: Did you fart? Did you fart? Did you fart? Did you fart? Did you fart? Did you fart? Did you fart in your booty?

Surreal

Me: That was a fun game of Pretty, Pretty Princess. Was it as surreal for you as it was for me?
Six-Year-Old: It wasn’t.
Wife: Do you know what “surreal” means?
Six-Year-Old: No.
Wife: It means, “I can’t believe this is happening!”
Six-Year-Old: I wasn’t playing it that way.