Equivalent

June 30, 2014

Wife: Your entire marriage is the equivalent of one burrito.

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Schmaltz

June 29, 2014

Me: Meet the new schmaltz, same as the old schmaltz.

Enthusiasm

June 28, 2014

Ten-Year-Old’s Friend: That’s a big dog!
Wife: He’s mostly enthusiasm and legs.

Additional

June 27, 2014

Me: The additional butt plug joke is left as an exercise.

Internets

June 26, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: How many Internets do we have?
Me: Just one.

Actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve won one thousand Internets somewhere online.
Seven-Year-Old: Are they in the house?

Lifts

June 25, 2014

Me: Is the Forest Service part of the service sector?
Wife: Don’t you have, like, butt lifts to do?

Possibilities

June 24, 2014

Wife: What were the other possibilities for “fuck your igloo”?

Jars

June 23, 2014

Wife: New Zealand sold brains in jars, for babies.
Wattie's

Horoscope

June 22, 2014

Me [reading a vintage advertisement]: “Your ten dollar personalized horoscope for only one dollar.”
Wife:
Oh, I thought you said “horse.”

Cacciatore

June 21, 2014

Me: Great. I just spilled cacciatore on my toothbrush.