June 30, 2014
Wife: Your entire marriage is the equivalent of one burrito.
June 28, 2014
Ten-Year-Old’s Friend: That’s a big dog!
Wife: He’s mostly enthusiasm and legs.
June 27, 2014
Me: The additional butt plug joke is left as an exercise.
June 26, 2014
Seven-Year-Old: How many Internets do we have?
Me: Just one.
Actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve won one thousand Internets somewhere online.
Seven-Year-Old: Are they in the house?
June 25, 2014
Me: Is the Forest Service part of the service sector?
Wife: Don’t you have, like, butt lifts to do?
June 24, 2014
Wife: What were the other possibilities for “fuck your igloo”?
June 23, 2014
June 22, 2014
Me [reading a vintage advertisement]: “Your ten dollar personalized horoscope for only one dollar.”
Oh, I thought you said “horse.”