July 29, 2015

Wife: You can’t do that. You can’t just stop halfway into the street, and start reading because you’re tired of driving. You can’t do that.


July 28, 2015

Wife: Turn on Sparkleberry. No, on Brick Head Face. Yeah, that’s what it’s called.


July 27, 2015

Me: Look, it’s a dollhouse lady’s razor—not very high quality.


July 26, 2015

Three-Year-Old: I want you to draw Thomas, and I also want Edward.
Me [singing]: Edward is the creepy one.
Eleven-Year-Old: That’s mean.
They’re all creepy.


July 25, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: It would be even funnier if a clown had no clothes on.


July 24, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: Daddy, bring something up.
Wife: Don’t encourage Daddy to vomit.


July 23, 2015

Me: If [Three-Year-Old] throws a tantrum, we’ll know it was the wrong thing to watch.
Wife: “If he throws a tantrum, we’ll know it was the wrong thing”? That is impressively bad parenting.


July 22, 2015

Wife: The only thing worse than going through puberty is having a dad who says, “I’m going through puberty with you! I’m getting breasts!”


July 21, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: [His Female Friend] is afraid of this!
Me: Oh, really?
Eight-Year-Old: I’ve been saving this since [His Female Friend] gave it to me.
Me: Wait. [His Female Friend] gave that to you, and now she’s afraid of it?
Eight-Year-Old: You and [His Female Friend] are so weird sometimes.
His Male Friend: Sometimes, they look like they’re about to smooch.


July 20, 2015

Wife: It’s not your party.
Me: No, I was thinking, “It’s my anus, and I’ll fart if I want to.”
Wife: I don’t always need to know what’s going on in your head.


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