July 26, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why are people so…? Like, why are people so…? Why are people…? What? What? Why?


July 25, 2017

Me: I just bought a twelve pack of unlubricated French letters for my daughter.


July 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I see you replaced my sister with a dress.


July 23, 2017

Me: You need to brush your teeth longer.
Five-Year-Old: I don’t like doing that! Also, it makes me crazy embarrassed!


July 22, 2017

Wife: Stop huffing your stuffed cat!
Me: Blog.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not huffing. I’m snorting it.


July 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old [drawing manga]: I need to have boobie lumps in the shirt. That sounded so wrong.


July 20, 2017

Me: Will you stop talking about that?
Thirteen-Year-Old: You brought it up.
Me: No, I didn’t!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Yes, you did.
Me: I asked you what you wanted for dinner. That’s not bringing up dissecting animals.


July 19, 2017

Me: Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Do you?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. You know I always understand.


July 18, 2017

Wife: I suppose you actually put chocolate on that broccoli?
Me: It was surprisingly not bad.


July 17, 2017

Me: Hey, look at those geese. Do they feed them?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No.
Me: Then what do you think they’re eating?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I don’t know. Their own poop, probably.
Me: You can’t subsist on your own poop. That violates the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Thirteen-Year-Old: They’re geese. They do whatever they want… mystical creatures.