October 8, 2015

Wife: I have to go tell [Eight-Year-Old] that I love him more than bees.


October 7, 2015

Voice on Phone: Hi, my name is Jonathan Anderson. How are you today?
Me: You’re a robot.
Voice on Phone:
I’m a real person. Why do you ask?
Me: I didn’t ask. I told you that you were a robot. The fact that you can’t tell the difference just proves that you are.
Voice on Phone:
Ha, ha! Do I sound that bad today? I wanted—


October 6, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: Nothing can really be empty if had ever been full.
Me: That’s an interesting philosophical viewpoint.
Eight-Year-Old: I don’t understand what you mean.


October 5, 2015

Me: What does he have on his backpack? Ninjas? Or—
Eight-Year-Old: I don’t know. I don’t spend a lot of time looking at backpacks.
Three-Year-Old: I don’t either. I have a folder.


October 4, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: I apologize profusely.
Me: Just saying that doesn’t actually make it profuse.


October 3, 2015

Wife: Why is there a lobster on that door?


October 2, 2015

Wife: How many microwaves you met that are pentagonal? Or round? Or triangular?


October 1, 2015

Wife: If your parents are French, you’re more likely to be French.


September 30, 2015

Wife: You’re on the other side of the kitchen, and there’s mayonnaise. I can’t hear you.


September 29, 2015

Wife: I love that as I’m becoming more discerning about food, I’m also becoming more discerning about fart smells.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 207 other followers