September 18, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You look like somebody who’s trying to be emo, but you have too much color.



September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.


September 15, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: There’s a new vending machine for healthy snacks. It’s empty.


September 14, 2018

Wife: You just punched me in the head with a hat!
Eleven-Year-Old: With a grenade in it.
Me: That’s not better!


September 13, 2018

Me: That’s just what you need in an unstable cave—a jetpack.


September 12, 2018

Wife: Why was he punching the watermelon?
Me: Apparently, that’s what one does.


September 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: A separate light source is twinging me out.


September 10, 2018

Wife: Why is there a unicorn in there? That’s supposed to be your pajama drawer. It’s for pajamas, not unicorns.
Me: In fairness, I think that is my fault.

Cat Boat

September 9, 2018

Wife: Don’t run me over with a cat boat.


September 8, 2018

Me: [Fourteen-Year-Old], you don’t need to leave the fan on in your room when you’re not there.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yes, I do, because otherwise it gets all weird and mushy and hot when I get back in there.