Orchard

July 20, 2018

Colleague: He’s atypical. He’s an aircraft fucking engineer!
Graduate Student: And he owns an orchard?

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Pretending

July 19, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], stop doing that.
Six-Year-Old: I’m pretending to eat him, like a gelatinous cube.

Kind of Person

July 18, 2018

Graduate Student: I’m not a “free the nipple” kind of person.

Fiftyish

July 17, 2018

Me: Imagine a bunch of fiftyish Austrians with heavy accents playing Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine.”

Tongue

July 16, 2018

Graduate Student: I wish I could have seen an interview with Jimi Hendrix. That man changed my life when he showed me you could do that with a guitar, with your tongue.

Promote

July 15, 2018

Colleague: If you want to promote your science: cat or penis!

Absorbers

July 14, 2018

Me: Those blue Bud Light cans—I swear, they look like people are drinking from shock absorbers.

Bisexual

July 13, 2018

Graduate Student: I’m a bisexual man. I like beer and mixed drinks.

Archor

July 12, 2018

Six-Year-Old: It looked like an anchor fell out of the sky.

Actress

July 11, 2018

Graduate Student: Emily Blunt is an amazing actress, but she’s not Julie Andrews.
Me: Who is, really?