Holes

April 25, 2015

Me: Just say no to hobbit holes.

Drinking

April 24, 2015

Wife: Does it hurt when you move your head up and down, or just side to side.
Me: It doesn’t really hurt, but it does feel weird.
Wife: You haven’t been drinking enough water, or you’re dying.

Theses

April 23, 2015

Me: I guess Halloween is Reformation Day. That’s not a coincidence.
Wife: Trick or theses!

Oriented

April 22, 2015

Me [reading sign]: This is a “police oriented community.”
Wife: They’re only sexually attracted to the police.

Meningitis

April 21, 2015

Me: You can’t hear meningitis!

Police

April 20, 2015

Seven-Year-Old: You can’t do that! You’re not a police dog!

Knife

April 19, 2015

Seven-Year-Old’s Friend: I’m a monkey, and I just took your gun and your hat and your badge. You have to kill me for them. You still have your knife.

Spaz

April 18, 2015

Me: I thought she came over here to give me a hug.
Wife: No, she came over there to spaz.

Pins

April 17, 2015

Wife: I’m covered in dog hair and pins!

Clueless

April 16, 2015

Seven-Year-Old: I’m Clueless!
Me: “Clueless”?
Seven-Year-Old: That’s right: Clueless the Viking!

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