May 5, 2016

Me: Did they just pseudo-philosophize the monster to death?

Low Dose Hydrocodone

May 4, 2016

Wife: First experience with drugs and I’m just feeling bored and paranoid.

Fucking stupid. Lame!


May 3, 2016

Me: I can’t think of anything that sounds like a mixture of Latin prayer and corporate buzzwords.

Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.

Me Cheese

May 1, 2016

Wife: You said, “What cheese? Me cheese.”


April 30, 2016

Wife: If you want to get me something for Christmas…
Me: A T-shirt that says “illegitimate fuck buddy.”


April 29, 2016

Wife: If you want attention, you should come in and say… What have you been drinking?

Happy thirtieth to my baby brother!


April 28, 2016

Me: Have I asked you for a flail recently? No.


April 27, 2016

Wife: I’m not secure enough in my masculinity to wear pink underwear to a construction project.


April 26, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Mom, I can you pop a toy? I want to eat these.
Me: Those are crayons.


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