July 6, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: The birds are on the twitter talk right now.


July 5, 2015

Me: Stick out your tongue if you don’t have spleen damage.


July 4, 2015

Me: Are you okay, [Eleven-Year-Old]?
Eleven-Year-Old: Yes, the kitten is just biting on my belly button.


July 3, 2015

Wife: Do you really think I have the self starting ability right now to cut pieces out of oatmeal?


July 2, 2015

Me [reading billboard]: “Who killed Gina?”
Wife: You’re not going to solve it by staring at the billboard, so why are you concentrating on it.
[As me] “Drive by the sign one more time. I think I’ve almost got it.”


July 1, 2015

Me: I feel like I have a much greater understanding of the full body of the French Broad.


June 30, 2015

Wife: I’ve been thinking about trading in the minivan.
Me: For what?
Wife: For another minivan. I’m a big fan of car payments, apparently.
Me: Well, car payments are better than boat payments.
Wife: Why?
Me: Because when you’re done with them, you have a car instead of a boat.


June 29, 2015

Wife [reading car]: “Just Married.”

Let’s hit them.


June 28, 2015

Wife [reading sign]: “Oak Ridge, next right.”
If we lived here, we’d be home now… and irradiated.


June 27, 2015

Woman Standing in Line for the Kids’ Train Ride at the Zoo: That’s what he wants—someone who’ll kiss his ass, and she’s a good lay. But she’s so fucking pathetic, not like us. On Thanksgiving, my brother was cooking for thirteen people. She was supposed to set the table, and she couldn’t finish that. My other brother had to help her finish. You know she’s got lupus, and she uses that an excuse for everything.


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