August 27, 2015

Wife: I’m very angry.
Me: You have every right to be.
Eight-Year-Old: You don’t have every right.


August 26, 2015

Wife: Watch them try to charge me for that technician visit. I will set fire to them.
Eight-Year-Old: To their hair?
Wife: To their hair. With my mind.


August 25, 2015

Me: When I’m lying on the floor, it’s good to have someone to bring me salt.


August 24, 2015

Three-Year-Old: Do you want to play the question game?
Wife: How do you play the question game?
Three-Year-Old: Statement!
Wife: That’s not a statement.
Three-Year-Old: Statement!


August 23, 2015

Me: Does it make you uncomfortable when I say, “I want to put it all on the market,” as I stroke your hip?

Coconut Bra

August 22, 2015

Me: Is that a coconut bra on its head?


August 21, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: I’m trying to make my face a pancake!


August 20, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: No! I don’t want to go there with [Eight-Year-Old]!
Eight-Year-Old: Go where?
Eleven-Year-Old: I don’t know!


August 19, 2015

Three-Year-Old: Spoon is knife. Fork is food.


August 18, 2015

Three-Year-Old [waving phone]: It’s a can-talkie!


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