Real

March 22, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Me: No.
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!

Cardiac

March 21, 2017

Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.

New

March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?

Solved

March 19, 2017

Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.

Hebrew

March 18, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, was Blackbeard a real person?
Me: Yes, his real name was Edward Teach.
Five-Year-Old: That’s his Hebrew name.

Congratulations to my bat mitzvah, on her birthday today!

Bookbeard

March 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!

Lime

March 16, 2017

Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.

Provenance

March 15, 2017

Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.

Unkempt

March 14, 2017

Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
Wife:
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”

It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.

Eye

March 13, 2017

Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!