Perpetuity

October 17, 2017

Brother: It’s ugly, drawing up a budget and finding little sloppy inconsistencies that exist because, for so long, the truth hasn’t mattered, nor even been desired; rather, it’s been consistently and firmly rejected in favor of an arbitrary lie convenient to another person who holds great power over you… and will continue to do so in perpetuity if she gets her way.

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Agreement

October 16, 2017

Me: Since reading the hed for the news story, I have found myself wondering whether stripping naked in public automatically counts as an act of gender presentation in agreement with anatomical sex.

Scavengers

October 15, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Vultures are gross.
Me: They’re only gross because they’re cleaning up stuff that’s even grosser. Look, if there weren’t any—if there weren’t any scavengers, there would just be dead things lying around all over, and that would be worse, wouldn’t it?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I guess.

Charcoal

October 14, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: What was that over there? It looks like somebody threw a charcoal balloon. I don’t know what that it, but I just made it up.

Rap

October 13, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I can’t rap that fast in Korean.

Safe

October 12, 2017

Wife: Stop eating your glass.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not. I’m making music.
Me: That’s not a safe way to make music.

Smacking

October 11, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Yeah!
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just smacking plates.

Misheard

October 10, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m pretty sure I misheard that too, but did you say, “Yes, twerking is working”?

Dope

October 9, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I learned something this morning.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t try to dance to “Dope” when you’re not wearing a bra.

Hand’s

October 8, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Ew! My hand’s in your underwear!