September 26, 2016
Me: Running in circles is for soccer players and girl scouts.
September 25, 2016
Wife: Please stop slow humping the bed.
September 24, 2016
Me: You can go business casual clubbing.
September 23, 2016
Wife: I don’t want you in my lady cave.
September 22, 2016
Me: Do you have to practice being twelve, or does it just come naturally?
September 21, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: You can’t hurt me! I’m a police car!
September 20, 2016
Me: Bring on the guns and whores!
September 19, 2016
Me: Don’t put your head in the autoclave!
September 18, 2016
Wife: Where are your pants?
Twelve-Year-Old: I took them off when I went to get weight.
Me: “Went to get…”?
Wife: Who is doing the—
Me: Where the hell you going?
To get weight! Where the hell you going?
September 17, 2016
Me: [Twelve-Year-Old], do you want to come to the store?
Twelve-Year-Old: I’m in a turd costume!