March 22, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!
March 21, 2017
Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.
March 20, 2017
Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?
March 19, 2017
Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.
March 18, 2017
March 17, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!
March 16, 2017
Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.
March 15, 2017
Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.
March 14, 2017
Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”
It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.
March 13, 2017
Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!