February 7, 2016

Brother: You have a rail gun in your ceiling?
Wife: Don’t you?


February 6, 2016

Wife: Don’t worry. I’m not going to steal your money.
Brother: Is that something I would normally worry about?
Me: You worry about a hypersonic turret in the chandelier.


February 5, 2016

Brother: Nobody puts a bunny in the same place as a rail gun.


February 4, 2016

Brother: You don’t carry any particular skin diseases, do you?


February 3, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: Why do you think I would be yelling, “Patriarch, patriarch!” except to get your attention?


February 2, 2016

Me: You could have gotten bogged down in the pants for a long time.


February 1, 2016

Cousin: The cab driver was nice enough to drive your drunk, burrito-eating ass home, in spite of the fact that you were drunk and eating a burrito.


January 31, 2016

Brother: I want it noted for the record that I did not bring anal into the conversation.


January 30, 2016

Cousin: I didn’t go to college to be a doggie.


January 29, 2016

Brother: What was the name of his latest book? I think it was a woman’s name.
Me: “Brenda”?
Brother: What did you say?
Me: I was just guessing women’s names.
Brother: Did you say “Brenda”? I should kill you.


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