Monocle

June 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Why are you riding a hippo wearing a monocle?
Wife: Because the horse with the pirate hat was busy.

Vacuumed

June 23, 2017

Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.

Shade

June 22, 2017

Wife: I think that’s the first time you’ve cast some authentic teenage shade on me.

Hippie

June 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Where are you going?
Wife: Work. I’m allowed to wear a skirt to work.
Thirteen-Year-Old: You look like a hippie.

Escape

June 20, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, look. There’s an escape tentacle.

Pointier

June 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s Rin, obviously. He’s going to open the sword and become pointier, Magoo.

Nutlantis

June 18, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis
Me: “Atlantis”?
Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis. It’s full of nuts.
Me: Well, it would be.
Five-Year-Old: It’s the lost city of nuts, the lost city of Nutlantis.

Girlfriend

June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison

Wash

June 16, 2017

Wife: Sometimes you can’t wash out the funk.

Sects

June 15, 2017

Wife: Jesus! Why are you, like, spitting sects at me?