March 28, 2015
Me: It was just an apple-grating technical glitch.
Wife: That was a carrot.
March 27, 2015
Wife: That’s my nose, not a stretch mark.
March 26, 2015
Eleven-Year-Old: He is a stuffed animal. Hobbes isn’t real.
Seven-Year-Old: Calvin isn’t real.
March 25, 2015
Me: You’re not going to like this.
Seven-Year-Old: No, I know they taste good!
Me: Have you ever had a cold hot dog.
Me: Oh really? When?
March 24, 2015
Me: I thought that said “You,” but it was actually a skull and crossbones.
March 23, 2015
Wife: Isn’t that, like, ass marmalade?
Wife: Ass marmalade. Taste it. It’s made with butt juice.
I must be almost forty today.
March 21, 2015
Me: He was only about a mile up, but that’s pretty high for a fish.
March 20, 2015
Me: I just got an e-mail from “Doctor Livingston I. Presume.”
March 19, 2015
Wife: I’m never going to take you to a bear poaching event. I promise.