May 24, 2015
Wife: This started out with me being a lesbian.
Me: Then you became a genetically modified human… for cake.
May 23, 2015
Wife: Good night.
Me: Oh, don’t say, “Good night.”
Wife: Fine. Fuck you.
May 21, 2015
Me: I’m thinking of robbing a bank.
Wife: You would be so bad at it. You’d come out and, “I got nothing but dye packets!”
Me: “Nothing but dye packets.” Hah!
Wife: “You can sell these right?”
Just because they’re green doesn’t mean they’re money.
May 20, 2015
Federal Official: It’s confusing. I think it’s actually less confusing than how confusing I think it is. I’m just confused.
May 19, 2015
Me: Several members of the panel were interested in listening to your podcats.
May 17, 2015
Me: Some kind of, like, mammary sex thing.
May 16, 2015
Me: I eat way less cheese than I think I could.
May 15, 2015
Wife: I’m not even sure what kind of underwear Gandalf wears.
Me: Quick, to the fan fiction!