September 18, 2017

Wife: Trader Joe’s Dijon mustard is made according to ancient torture methods.



September 17, 2017

Wife: How am I suddenly subscribed to Mustang Top Racing News?


September 16, 2017

Me: That mustard was so strong, it made the back of my head hurt.


September 15, 2017

Me: Leg warmers and high heels?


September 14, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, I saw blond Ella in the auditorium.
Wife: Blella.
Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a good nickname for it.
Me: It’s like a ship name for her and her hair.

Five-Year-Old: Stop taking it away when I call it “beer,” or you’re going to get a heart attack!


September 12, 2017

Me: Do you have an appointment with the orthopedist?
Wife: I like how you pretend that you’re good at helping people manage their medical problems.
Me: I feel like it should be pronounced or-THOP-uh-dist.
Wife: There it is.

Fili and Kili

September 11, 2017

Five-Year-Old [singing]: Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins!
Gandalf, Gandalf, visits Bilbo!
Fili and Kili died in the war!


September 10, 2017

Thirteeen-Year-Old: Holy fountain of memes, Batman!


September 9, 2017

Me: Can I see that necklace?
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It’s from Spain.
Me: Yeah, I figured that, but I hadn’t looked at it yet.
Wife: We didn’t know where it came from.
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It just appeared in my room!
Me: Spanish jewelry is like that.
Wife: Hola!
Me: Nobody expects the Spanish necklace!