August 26, 2016

Wife: Sometimes it’s just better to let the conversation flow, because then you get butt-less capes.


August 25, 2016

Me: I am that I am, and that’s all I am. I’m Yahweh the sailor man!


August 24, 2016

Me: Oh, you’re thinking of the sex machine from Barbarella. That was the source of our confusion.


August 23, 2016

Wife: Oh, my god. Why is your terrible Paula Deen impression so sexy?


August 22, 2016

Wife: You created a perverted sex emperor. You are not a perverted sex emperor.


August 21, 2016

Me: You’re done being itchy, but you’re not done being sexy.
Wife: Oh, God.


August 20, 2016

Me: I took off my pants when I went to get weighed.
Wife: “Get weighed”? That sounds like… who is doing the—
Me: “Where the hell you going?”
Wife: “To get weighed! Where the hell you going?”


August 19, 2016

Me: Dutch for “male prostitute” is “hoooker.”

Specific Toilet

August 18, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: There are a lot of mods and stuff, but there’s no specific toilet block.


August 17, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: Die, with the death of healing!


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