The Tub
January 23, 2020
Eight-Year-Old: No, you have to drop out to get in the tub.
Bink
January 22, 2020
Cousin’s Cousin [to her niece]: Tell Grandpa, “That’s my bink.” You don’t touch a girl’s bink.
Lilts
January 21, 2020
Me: I think the prettiest word in English is “erythropoietin.” It just lilts off my tongue, and it even has the word “poet” embedded in it. It’s a hormone involved in the production of red blood cells, and I think it’s really too bad that the only time I’m likely to hear about “erythropoietin” is in a discussion about doping allegations in competitive cycling.
Groping
January 20, 2020
Me: …
Jim Carrey, the proprietor of a microstate. That’s the word I was groping for.
…
I don’t know why I said that.
Knuckles
January 19, 2020
Me: How did I get this much disgusting crud under my knuckles?
…
I mean, my fingernails.
…
Who am I talking to?
Persecuted
January 18, 2020
Twelve-Year-Old: There was a sign there that said, “shoplifters persecuted,” and at first, I thought it said, “shapeshifters.”
Hammers
January 17, 2020
Wife: Don’t make egg hammers!
Happy birthday, Eight-Year-Old son!
Fox
January 16, 2020
Friend: On your side, you have a supernatural flying fox.
Capital
January 15, 2020
Fifteen-Year-Old: I love having trauma, with a capital T.
Anyway
January 14, 2020
Aunt: Are you done with this?
Fifteen-Year-Old: No, but you can take my plate anyway.
