February 21, 2017

Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.


February 20, 2017

Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?


February 19, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I know where I’m going to have my bar mitzvah.
Me: Where?
Nine-Year-Old: At a bar, filled with bars.
Me: Makes sense.
Nine-Year-Old: Or a prison.


February 18, 2017

Me: Oh, crap and a half?
Five-Year-Old: Where’d you learn to say that?


February 17, 2017

Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.


February 16, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, can you tell [Four-Year-Old] that if his guys are trapped on an island, they can’t have a tank?


February 15, 2017

Thirteen-Years-Old: Don’t try to be punny.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Years-Old: Don’t try to be punny. I am the queen of the punnies.


February 14, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old [after taking a drink]: Extremely lacking.
Me: Are you reviewing the water, or what?

Son Of

February 13, 2017

Wife: The son of the fuck is this?


February 12, 2017

Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.

On the chocolate milk.