Hairlines

January 18, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: I am so into hairlines right now, it’s crazy.

Also

January 17, 2017

Me: Can you get some clothes on?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. Also, [Nine-Year-Old] sprayed my pajamas with water.

Happy Birthday, Five-Year-Old!

Genitals

January 16, 2017

Wife: There’s only so much genitals one can handle.

No, no, no.

Fused

January 15, 2017

Me: I think I should start referring to bacon fat as “fused pig.”

Chili

January 14, 2017

Me: This time, we can add even more chili oil.
Wife: Why?
Me: [Friend] can handle it.

So long as he doesn’t handle his junk afterward.

Push-Up

January 13, 2017

Me: Any bra can be a push-up bra if it’s too small.

Unseen

January 12, 2017

Me: Who would buy a cave sight unseen?

Vomits

January 11, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: You probably shouldn’t eat a tangerine, because most of them are vomits.

Feels

January 10, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: “Feels” are fangirl emotions.

Galore

January 9, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: According to [Her Friend], it’s like feels galore for characters.