August 19, 2017

High School Bus Driver: I’m not cheap, but I’m easy.


August 18, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I did all the homework for today.
Me: Good.
Ten-Year-Old: Yay! Then I can do computer time and go, “Flop, flop, slap, slap, slap, slappity slap!”


August 17, 2017

Me: Yesterday, there was a furry hanging around with the transients.


August 15, 2017

Me: Now I know two secret handshakes.
Female Friend: What’s the other one?
Me: It doesn’t work on a girl. It ends with a nipple grab.


August 14, 2017

Colleague: I’ve tried to target female graduate students.


August 13, 2017

Me: I didn’t realize that [Thirteen-Year-Old’s] stuffed cat “Plu” was really named “Plutarch,” for his many lives.


August 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Koreans look prettier than everybody. Dad, is this not fact: Koreans look prettier than everybody?
Me: It is not.
Thirteen-Year-Old: It is fact.


August 11, 2017

Wife: So you decided to be in in here with funk, rather than physical presence.
Me: I just burped. It wasn’t intentional.


August 10, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Whaaaaa!
Me: Are you alright?
Ten-Year-Old: I said, “Whasaaa!”
Me: That doesn’t answer my question.


August 9, 2017

Friend’s Daughter: I’m not allowed to watch this at home.

Okay, I am. I just choose not to.