December 10, 2016
Twleve-Year-Old: Wow, that sloth’s butt is huge!
December 9, 2016
Wife: I planted a GPS tracking chip in your nose.
Me: That’s an unconventional place for it.
Nine-Year-Old: It’d sneeze it out.
Wife: That’s why most people don’t put it there.
December 8, 2016
Wife: You could be more sensitive, instead of saying, “I shave my face every day, bitches! What’s up?”
December 7, 2016
Wife: I’ve shaved so many parts of your body over the years, I don’t even want to think about it.
December 6, 2016
Me: This sounds like an occasion for both of you to put on swimsuits and hop in the shower.
December 4, 2016
Me: I’m your bed meat!
December 3, 2016
Colleague: Do you think I should click on this link from Yes-I-Do-Myanmar-Dot-Com-Slash-Comfort-Dot-P-H-P?
December 2, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: He drank your armpit juice.
Wife: Yes, he drank my armpit cleanser.
December 1, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: Are you kicking my chair?
Nine-Year-Old: I’m just kicking you.