August 24, 2016
Me: Oh, you’re thinking of the sex machine from Barbarella. That was the source of our confusion.
August 22, 2016
Wife: You created a perverted sex emperor. You are not a perverted sex emperor.
August 21, 2016
Me: You’re done being itchy, but you’re not done being sexy.
Wife: Oh, God.
August 20, 2016
Me: I took off my pants when I went to get weighed.
Wife: “Get weighed”? That sounds like… who is doing the—
Me: “Where the hell you going?”
Wife: “To get weighed! Where the hell you going?”
August 19, 2016
Me: Dutch for “male prostitute” is “hoooker.”
August 18, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: There are a lot of mods and stuff, but there’s no specific toilet block.
August 17, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Die, with the death of healing!
August 16, 2016
Wife: You told him about whiskey enemas, not me!
August 15, 2016
Wife: Can you put away the almonds, and mangoes, and zucchini, and mushrooms, and pumpkin, and champagne?