May 4, 2016
Wife: First experience with drugs and I’m just feeling bored and paranoid.
Fucking stupid. Lame!
May 3, 2016
Me: I can’t think of anything that sounds like a mixture of Latin prayer and corporate buzzwords.
May 2, 2016
Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.
May 1, 2016
Wife: You said, “What cheese? Me cheese.”
April 30, 2016
Wife: If you want to get me something for Christmas…
Me: A T-shirt that says “illegitimate fuck buddy.”
April 29, 2016
Wife: If you want attention, you should come in and say… What have you been drinking?
Happy thirtieth to my baby brother!
April 28, 2016
Me: Have I asked you for a flail recently? No.
April 27, 2016
Wife: I’m not secure enough in my masculinity to wear pink underwear to a construction project.
April 26, 2016
Four-Year-Old: Mom, I can you pop a toy? I want to eat these.
Me: Those are crayons.