October 25, 2016
Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.
October 23, 2016
Me: Oh, you’ll feel the water in the bowl but not the snot in my elbow pit. I see a double standard here.
October 22, 2016
Wife: You make too much noise, and all of it is wrong.
October 20, 2016
Wife: Your hand is not a calibrated temperature device, and if you cough out of your elbow one more time, I’m going to tape your elbow to your face!
October 19, 2016
Wife: I have to figure out a new way of communicating with you that does not involve death threats.
October 16, 2016
Me: If you took off the sunglasses, then you would look grown up.