May 20, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I was going so fast, gravity didn’t get me.
Me: So you beat gravity?
Six-Year-Old: Yes.
Wife: What did you beat it with?
Ten-Year-Old: A stick.


Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.


May 18, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: I want something good to eat and drink.
Me: So, you don’t want a breakfast bar?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.


May 17, 2018

Me: The hot dog is undergoing a quivering reaction.


May 16, 2018

Wife: A cow didn’t actually squirt the macaroni out of its teat.


May 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: My wallet!
Ten-Year-Old: Is it in the freezer?
Six-Year-Old: No, it’s right here! Give me it!
Me: Not now, not while we’re eating. I’ll put your wallet on the freezer.


May 14, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m trying to hear the yolk inside an egg.
Me: Do yolks make noise?
Six-Year-Old: No.

[spooky voice] Or do they?

Baby Panda

May 13, 2018

Me: I can’t believe you are eating that baby panda.


May 12, 2018

Wife: Use your imagination about inappropriate things I might like to do with a hot dog… as a joke.


May 11, 2018

Six-Year-Old: When I look out of the window with these sunglasses, it looks like it’s nineteen seventy-one.