February 7, 2016
Brother: You have a rail gun in your ceiling?
Wife: Don’t you?
February 6, 2016
Wife: Don’t worry. I’m not going to steal your money.
Brother: Is that something I would normally worry about?
Me: You worry about a hypersonic turret in the chandelier.
February 5, 2016
Brother: Nobody puts a bunny in the same place as a rail gun.
February 4, 2016
Brother: You don’t carry any particular skin diseases, do you?
February 3, 2016
Eleven-Year-Old: Why do you think I would be yelling, “Patriarch, patriarch!” except to get your attention?
February 2, 2016
Me: You could have gotten bogged down in the pants for a long time.
February 1, 2016
Cousin: The cab driver was nice enough to drive your drunk, burrito-eating ass home, in spite of the fact that you were drunk and eating a burrito.
January 31, 2016
Brother: I want it noted for the record that I did not bring anal into the conversation.
January 30, 2016
Cousin: I didn’t go to college to be a doggie.
January 29, 2016
Brother: What was the name of his latest book? I think it was a woman’s name.
Brother: What did you say?
Me: I was just guessing women’s names.
Brother: Did you say “Brenda”? I should kill you.