April 25, 2017
Me: Is there some group of people that celebrates a winter holiday featuring a giant mutant frog?
April 24, 2017
Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.
April 23, 2017
Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”
April 22, 2017
Wife: Hobos go to urgent care!
April 21, 2017
Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?
April 20, 2017
Five-Year-Old: The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. So let’s try this again.
April 19, 2017
Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.
April 18, 2017
Nine-Year-Old: There is a beer lottery.
April 17, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I hate the times you don’t celebrate Christmas!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, ho, ho. Not having this conversation at this time.
April 16, 2017
Wife: I don’t think there’s an actual oven blowing up tool.
Five-Year-Old: You can buy one from the store!