December 1, 2015

Three-Year-Old: I sat on the beeswax pie. That’s funny.

Du Jour

November 30, 2015

Me: Is this spicy?
Wife: It’s made with kim chee. Duh!
Eleven-Year-Old: Duh du jour.

What? It means, “Duh of the day.”

Double Hollow

November 29, 2015

Eight-Year-Old: I have a hollow head!
Me: You have a hollow head?
Eight-Year-Old: No, you have a hollow head. You said you have a double hollow head.


November 28, 2015

Wife: [Eleven-Year-Old]!
Eleven-Year-Old: What?
Wife: You fell asleep facedown in the bathtub.


November 27, 2015

Wife: You have a cramp in your thyroid?
Me: Parathyroid.


November 26, 2015

Me: So I’ve got about another twenty-five years to run this blog.
Wife: Uh… oh.
Me: After I’ve actually got ten thousand posts, I’m going to hire somebody to do an interpretive reading.
Wife: What? Ten thousand? That’ll take hours… days.
Me: Maybe I can get Neil Gaiman’s wife.


November 25, 2015

Me: I like my tequila with as little worm as possible.


November 24, 2015

Me: I really wish that black currents weren’t such a terrible fruit.


November 23, 2015

Friend: Speaking of metaphysical, I have a money making idea.


November 22, 2015

Wife: That’s what you were doing instead of coming to bed? Looking up Night of the Lepus on IMDB, so you could give sex trivia?


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