October 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.


October 24, 2016

Wife: He’d better leave Grinnell, Iowa at five a.m., is all I’m saying.


October 23, 2016

Me: Oh, you’ll feel the water in the bowl but not the snot in my elbow pit. I see a double standard here.


October 22, 2016

Wife: You make too much noise, and all of it is wrong.


October 21, 2016

Wife: Where was your elbow?
Me: You can feel the snot on it if you want.


October 20, 2016

Wife: Your hand is not a calibrated temperature device, and if you cough out of your elbow one more time, I’m going to tape your elbow to your face!


October 19, 2016

Wife: I have to figure out a new way of communicating with you that does not involve death threats.


October 18, 2016

Friend: The realm of my intelligence would be The Real Housewives.


October 17, 2016

First Friend: You quote me on this, Altschul, but I’m getting a pedicure!
Second Friend: “You quote me on this, Altschul.”
First Friend: Because Momma’s tired of shlepping tuchases around, and you should quote me on that too.


October 16, 2016

Me: If you took off the sunglasses, then you would look grown up.