Pot Roast

March 23, 2018

Me: I had all-you-can-eat pot roast for lunch today. I felt like I needed the protein.

Yes, it’s my forty-first birthday.



March 22, 2018

Me: Did you eat all of your lunch?
Six-Year-Old: No.
Me: Why not?
Six-Year-Old: I didn’t have enough time! It always…. Oh yeah, I did eat all my lunch.


March 21, 2018

Me: Aren’t you going to finish your cereal?
Ten-Year-Old: No, it tastes like eggs.


March 20, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Aaah! Mister horse! I almost forgot to say hi.
Me: What was that?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Nothing.
Ten-Year-Old: She almost forgot to say hi to mister horse.


March 19, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Oh, my god. I saw the wiggle butt dogs out of the window as I was leaving. It was so cute

Big Hug

March 18, 2018

Me: If you’re eating pizza, do you really want a smoothie?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yeah. I’ll give you a big hug and then not talk to you.

I love you so much, Fourteen-Year-Old!


March 17, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why the hell were you out of the car?
Me: I was gassing it up.
Thirteen-Year-Old: What? Why were you outside?
Me: This is a gas station. I was getting gas.


March 16, 2018

Wife: Do you want pea milk or soy milk? I’ve heard it’s quite good.
Ten-Year-Old: Is it nipple milk?


March 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m trying to hear the yolk inside the egg.


March 14, 2018

Six-Year-Old: It just looks like a boss upgraded to a chocolate boss, like vanilla boss into chocolate boss. You get it?