Circles

September 26, 2016

Me: Running in circles is for soccer players and girl scouts.

Slow

September 25, 2016

Wife: Please stop slow humping the bed.

Clubbing

September 24, 2016

Me: You can go business casual clubbing.

Cave

September 23, 2016

Wife: I don’t want you in my lady cave.

Naturally

September 22, 2016

Me: Do you have to practice being twelve, or does it just come naturally?

Hurt

September 21, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: You can’t hurt me! I’m a police car!

Bring On

September 20, 2016

Me: Bring on the guns and whores!

Autoclave

September 19, 2016

Me: Don’t put your head in the autoclave!

Weight

September 18, 2016

Wife: Where are your pants?
Twelve-Year-Old: I took them off when I went to get weight.
Me: “Went to get…”?
Wife: Who is doing the—
Me: Where the hell you going?
To get weight! Where the hell you going?

Costume

September 17, 2016

Me: [Twelve-Year-Old], do you want to come to the store?
Twelve-Year-Old: I’m in a turd costume!