Riptide

March 1, 2015

Me: He was dragged under by a swamp riptide.

Unfounded

February 28, 2015

Wife: Stop saying that is unfounded! It is totally founded!

Cockaded

February 27, 2015

Wife: There used to be a more significant long leaf pine habitat in the Southeast, and it has several important endemic species, like the red-cockaded woodpecker and some kind of tree frog.
Me: Mmm. I like tree frogs.
Wife: Don’t say “Mmm”!

Five

February 26, 2015

Me: You can each have one cookie.
Three-Year-Old: Five cookies!

Flossing

February 25, 2015

Me: I’m not sure if I’ve got a piece of popcorn stuck in there or not.
Wife: Well, if you weren’t able to tell by flossing with a piece of plastic, I don’t…

Meet

February 24, 2015

Wife: Please don’t start drinking as soon as we meet these people.

Dreams

February 23, 2015

Wife: Get out of here and into my dreams!
Me: I’ll see you in the Civil War sex dungeon!
Wife: Great. Now I’m actually going to have a nightmare about that.

Envelopes

February 22, 2015

Wife: Somebody already requested help stuffing envelopes for his dissertation.

Maps

February 21, 2015

Me: You look pretty this morning.
Wife: The maps like it when I look pretty for them.
No, no, that’s not right.

Who

February 20, 2015

Me: You’ve got a yard sign for a liquor store?
Ten-Year-Old [singing]: Who knows what people will do? Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody knows what people will do. Nobody, nobody, nobody knows what people will do, what people, people, people will do.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 190 other followers