December 10, 2016

Twleve-Year-Old: Wow, that sloth’s butt is huge!


December 9, 2016

Wife: I planted a GPS tracking chip in your nose.
Me: That’s an unconventional place for it.
Nine-Year-Old: It’d sneeze it out.
Wife: That’s why most people don’t put it there.
Me: Butt.


December 8, 2016

Wife: You could be more sensitive, instead of saying, “I shave my face every day, bitches! What’s up?”


December 7, 2016

Wife: I’ve shaved so many parts of your body over the years, I don’t even want to think about it.


December 6, 2016

Me: This sounds like an occasion for both of you to put on swimsuits and hop in the shower.


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


December 4, 2016

Me: I’m your bed meat!

Yes I do.

December 3, 2016

Colleague: Do you think I should click on this link from Yes-I-Do-Myanmar-Dot-Com-Slash-Comfort-Dot-P-H-P?


December 2, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: He drank your armpit juice.
Wife: Yes, he drank my armpit cleanser.


December 1, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: Are you kicking my chair?
Nine-Year-Old: I’m just kicking you.