Lipped

Me: You can tell him Wolfgang got eaten by a yellow lipped sea krait.

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Pretty

Male Friend: I’ve learned a lot about what it’s like to be a pretty young woman.

Snuff

Friend [reading]: “Magic snuff.”
Me: Not for foxes.

Onesie

Friend: He’s wearing a metal onesie.

Dissing

Friend: Dude, did you forget what your blog was about? First there was the candy counting; now you’re dissing reading YouTube comments. You know there’s a plugin just because everyone knows you shouldn’t do that.

Thread

Me: If you find yourself reading a YouTube comment thread, it’s time to go to bed.

Count

Twelve-Year-Old: I’m going to count my candy.

Vet

Wife: It’s a really nice vet. If it weren’t in Irmo, I would have to get other animals to take them there.

Class

Wife: It’s not my fault for not having enough class.
Fifteen-Year-Old: Mom, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Pestilence

Friend [via text]: The guy next to me at the airport is talking really loudly about his rash over the phone. “Disgusting pestilence on back of thigh” is part of the description.