IUD

May 23, 2016

Friend: Better than an IUD getting caught in your tooth.

Benchtop

May 22, 2016

Me: [Colleague] doesn’t like the name. I don’t know. I kind of like it. What do you think of “MaRMS” as a name?

Not for a girl, for a benchtop experiment.
Wife: Okay, bye.

Is

May 21, 2016

Friend’s Daughter: This dog is fabulous, because he’s a dog.

Pubes

May 20, 2016

Me: Back pubes?
Friend: Front pubes!

Preacher’s

May 19, 2016

Friend: The preacher’s son’s wife is hairy.

Debutante

May 18, 2016

Me: Am I ready for my debutante ball?
Friend: In a strapless dress. We’re going to show off your back.

Fabulous

May 17, 2016

Me: Why do you have a drinking name?
Friend’s Daughter: Because we’re weird like that. Also fabulous!
Friend: Better a drinking name than a porn name! Pick your battles!

Truly

May 16, 2016

Me: Truly, I would love to make a sword some day.

Sugar-betes

May 15, 2016

Friend: It was trying to give me sugar-betes.

Woke

May 14, 2016

Wife: I drank some, and I didn’t know what it was…

… and I woke up.

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