Source

August 24, 2016

Me: Oh, you’re thinking of the sex machine from Barbarella. That was the source of our confusion.

Impression

August 23, 2016

Wife: Oh, my god. Why is your terrible Paula Deen impression so sexy?

Emperor

August 22, 2016

Wife: You created a perverted sex emperor. You are not a perverted sex emperor.

Itchy

August 21, 2016

Me: You’re done being itchy, but you’re not done being sexy.
Wife: Oh, God.

Weighed

August 20, 2016

Me: I took off my pants when I went to get weighed.
Wife: “Get weighed”? That sounds like… who is doing the—
Me: “Where the hell you going?”
Wife: “To get weighed! Where the hell you going?”

Dutch

August 19, 2016

Me: Dutch for “male prostitute” is “hoooker.”

Specific Toilet

August 18, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: There are a lot of mods and stuff, but there’s no specific toilet block.

Healing

August 17, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: Die, with the death of healing!

Whiskey

August 16, 2016

Wife: You told him about whiskey enemas, not me!

Mangoes

August 15, 2016

Wife: Can you put away the almonds, and mangoes, and zucchini, and mushrooms, and pumpkin, and champagne?

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