Vehicle

Six-Year-Old: My dove is in the air force. It’s an air force vehicle. It helps the other stuffed animals in the air force get where they need to go.

Boom!

Three-Year-Old: Boom!
[giggling] Exploded! I exploded! I exploded!
…
[giggling]
…
I exploded!

Fanfic

Me: Say, what does this “energizing lotion” in Farmville do?
Wife: You can trade it for fuel.
Me: Oh, I know, I just thought there might be something else.
Wife: Pretty much fuel.
Me: Oh.
…
Wife: Or you can write Farmville fanfic, about smearing it all over your body and finding jewel buttons. I suggest you don’t do that.
…
It might also conflict with my Farmville fanfic, which is currently undergoing revision. It’s at a very exciting stage.

Calf

Three-Year-Old: They have a calf.
Six-Year-Old: A body calf or an animal calf?
Wife: A body calf?
…
Oh, I get it.
Me: What?
Wife: [pats lower leg]
Me: Oh.

Hand-Me-Down

Wife: Hand-me-down food is not a good idea.

Donor

Me: I don’t remember this. When did I get my donor card?
Six-Year-Old: I think you got it where you served blood.

Pool

Three-Year-Old: All those monkeys in the water! No more monkeys jumping on the pool!

Shiv

Me: Did you know the guy who invented the toothbrush was in jail?
Wife: “Hey! This isn’t a bone shiv!”
…
I guess if you reverse engineer a shiv, you’re bound to get that.

Patting

Me: What are you doing?
Six-Year-Old: Patting Mommy with a hammer.
Me: Patting somebody with a hammer,…
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Me: … however pink and soft, is not very comforting.
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha! “Patting somebody with a hammer”!

Food Fight

Wife: That sounds like a lot of fun, and it’s probably something you’re never going to do again, but for God’s sake, tell me when you get home if you’ve been in a food fight, so we can wash your hair!