August 30, 2010

Six-Year-Old: My dove is in the air force. It’s an air force vehicle. It helps the other stuffed animals in the air force get where they need to go.



August 29, 2010

Three-Year-Old: Boom!
[giggling] Exploded! I exploded! I exploded!


I exploded!


August 25, 2010

Me: Say, what does this “energizing lotion” in Farmville do?
Wife: You can trade it for fuel.
Me: Oh, I know, I just thought there might be something else.
Wife: Pretty much fuel.
Me: Oh.

Wife: Or you can write Farmville fanfic, about smearing it all over your body and finding jewel buttons. I suggest you don’t do that.

It might also conflict with my Farmville fanfic, which is currently undergoing revision. It’s at a very exciting stage.


August 24, 2010

Three-Year-Old: They have a calf.
Six-Year-Old: A body calf or an animal calf?
Wife: A body calf?

Oh, I get it.
Me: What?
Wife: [pats lower leg]
Me: Oh.


August 23, 2010

Wife: Hand-me-down food is not a good idea.


August 22, 2010

Me: I don’t remember this. When did I get my donor card?
Six-Year-Old: I think you got it where you served blood.


August 21, 2010

Three-Year-Old: All those monkeys in the water! No more monkeys jumping on the pool!


August 20, 2010

Me: Did you know the guy who invented the toothbrush was in jail?
Wife: “Hey! This isn’t a bone shiv!”

I guess if you reverse engineer a shiv, you’re bound to get that.


August 17, 2010

Me: What are you doing?
Six-Year-Old: Patting Mommy with a hammer.
Me: Patting somebody with a hammer,…
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Me: … however pink and soft, is not very comforting.
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha! “Patting somebody with a hammer”!

Food Fight

August 16, 2010

Wife: That sounds like a lot of fun, and it’s probably something you’re never going to do again, but for God’s sake, tell me when you get home if you’ve been in a food fight, so we can wash your hair!