Boat

Thirteen-Year-Old: Does this look a male or a female—the person?
Wife: At first, it looks like a boat.

Tower

Thirteen-Year-Old: If you get to be good enough friends with the wizard, you can change your appearance in his tower.
Me: Okay, that’s kind of creepy.

Scarecrows

Me: I have a wife who poops scarecrows.

Rusty

Thirteen-Year-Old: Rusty spoons are actually pretty good.

Tears

Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, God. You have very fat tears!

People

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why are people so…? Like, why are people so…? Why are people…? What? What? Why?

Letter

Me: I just bought a twelve pack of unlubricated French letters for my daughter.

Replaced

Ten-Year-Old: I see you replaced my sister with a dress.

Brush

Me: You need to brush your teeth longer.
Five-Year-Old: I don’t like doing that! Also, it makes me crazy embarrassed!

Huffing

Wife: Stop huffing your stuffed cat!
Me: Blog.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not huffing. I’m snorting it.