teh Interwebs

Me: How do I access teh Interwebs on your computer?
Wife: I’m not going to help you if you call it that.
Me: Fine, how do I access the Internet?
Wife: I said, “I’m not going to help you.”
Me: It’s your fault. I got calling it that from your friends.
Wife: Who?
Me: Sebastian.
Wife: Sebastian is not my friend. He is a bipolar German ass.

“Esperanto Shopper”

Me: Stop the car! There’s something there.
Wife: It looks like a newspaper. It think it says “Esperanto Shopper,” but that’s not very likely.

Oyster

Me [to Two-Year-Old]: See, Mommy goes potty in the potty.
Wife: Butch goes potty in the yard.
Me: The whole world is your toilet, kid.
Wife: …
No, no, just no.
…
It’s not really “oyster.”

They were slivers cut from below the nose of a jack-o-lantern.

Five-Year-Old: I hope my painting supplies are OK, because I’ve eaten a little bit of them.
Me: What are you talking about?
Five-Year-Old: My nose hairs.

Heat Conduction

Two-Year-Old: I’m cold.
Me: That’s why we need to change your diaper. The pee pee increases the rate at which heat is conducted away from your body.
Two-Year-Old: Ohhhh, I understand. Pee pee pee!

Lord Yu

Wife:  What is this?
Me:  It’s the ticket from the day the garage was free.
Wife:  I blame you!
Me:  You put it there, and you—
Wife:  I said, “I blame you.”
Me:  I blame Lord Yu as well.

Clarify

Wife: So this is about your inability to comprehend basic English?
Me: I just wanted to clarify—like drawn butter.
Wife: …
It’s not like anything.

It’s as big as a palace.

Brother: The Ford Escorial, with twenty-five percent more horsepower than the Chevy Basilica.

I do.

Me: I’m going to miss my wife, even if it’s just for a day and a half.
Wife: I didn’t know you were married. You should tell me these things.
Me: I do.

Brushing

Me: What’s going on?
Wife: He wants to go potty, and then… he walked into the door. Can you help him?
Me: I’m brushing my teeth. I don’t help people on the toilet while I’m brushing my teeth.