September 30, 2014

Wife: It’s pervy wankers like you who ruined the entire key party phenomenon. “I just want to watch. I don’t want to wife swap, I just want to watch all of you awkwardly having sex.” And it went downhill from there.


September 29, 2014

Google voice recognition: laser pen for chafing dish pan of laser pen what wrong blazer pan of beer of the pier


September 28, 2014

Wife: The spirit is willing, but the tent is weak.
Me: The holy spirit.


September 27, 2014

Wife: Tent revivals lasting more than four hours may require the attention of a medical professional.

I’m just saying it’s about time that it went flaccid.


September 26, 2014

Me: I don’t know where the cutoff lies on the evolutionary ladder, but it’s somewhere between frogs and monkeys.


September 25, 2014

Wife: What are psychologists going to ask for money for? “I want to buy human research subjects”? “I want to buy a monkey-pithing machine”?


September 24, 2014

Me: What is with that swimsuit store with the antisemitic octopus on the globe?


September 23, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: Guess what I made!
Me: What?
Seven-Year-Old: I made World War Two, only with lots of explosions!


September 22, 2014

Me: I skimmed over it, and there doesn’t seem to be any rule against ghetto-style parking.


September 21, 2014

Me: [Ten-Year-Old] was playing outside with a homemade, miniature, LEGO sword cane.