March 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!


February 7, 2017

Wife: Sometimes you stare into the void, and it laughs at you.


January 30, 2017

Wife: You’re justifying this on the basis of an Updike novel?
Please don’t drown my baby.


January 9, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: According to [Her Friend], it’s like feels galore for characters.


December 27, 2016

Me: The zones all have names, like Middle Zealand and Bricksburg.
Nine-Year-Old: And Clown Town, which isn’t really a place. It’s for clowns.
Me: Does it have a dead lady?


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


November 16, 2016

Me: I had a really bad dream last night. It was like Donald Trump was in The Silmarillion. Imagine if trump were leading the armies in the War of the Jewels, instead of the sons of FĂ«anor. “We’re going to build a wall around Angband! And who’s going to pay for that wall? Morgoth!”


November 14, 2016

Me: As long as it continues flashing, I’m going to keep making Logan’s Run jokes, I’m afraid.


November 8, 2016

Me: Cthulhu for President: A mountain walked or stumbled.


September 16, 2016

Me: The best Oglaf cartoon is the one with the Owlbear.
Wife: Can I poop in peace? My God!