Lumbago

March 17, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Bombur.
Seven-Year-Old: Is fat.
Eleven-Year-Old: He is not fat.
Me: He has lumbago.

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Goldballs

January 25, 2019

Me [reading comic book over Eleven-Year-Old’s shoulder]: “GO GOLDBALLS!” Is Goldballs an X-Man I don’t know about?
Eleven-Year-Old: Yep.
Me: There are too many X-Men.

I am not a crank.

Beast

January 15, 2019

Six-Year-Old: Beast Boy is a vegetarian for some reason.

Assassination

December 9, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: It’s about a bunch of students learning assassination and trying to kill a giant octopus.

Scotty

December 4, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Butter me up, Scotty!
Wife: “Butter me up, Scotty!”? That’s, like, the worst Star Trek slashfic ever.

Pillows

November 22, 2018

Wife: Most people don’t deny there’s Cthulhu in their pillows.

Best

November 15, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Duck and Cthulhu, best friends forever.

Russian

November 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I need more Russian Voldemort in my life.

Descended

November 4, 2018

Me: My knowledge of Hebrew has descended to practically nothing.

Parkour

October 30, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Orc parkour! Yeah!