Five-Year-Old: Why can’t Loki be Jewish?



October 26, 2017

Student: Blunt force trauma is the usual way elves die.


October 7, 2017

Me: I just got a message from the Johns Hopkins University Press about Shark Week.

Fili and Kili

September 11, 2017

Five-Year-Old [singing]: Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins!
Gandalf, Gandalf, visits Bilbo!
Fili and Kili died in the war!


September 10, 2017

Thirteeen-Year-Old: Holy fountain of memes, Batman!


July 8, 2017

Me: Don’t poke that guy. He might poke you back, and you don’t want to be poked by Vlad the Impaler.
Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s okay. He’s dead.
Me: Again, with this guy, being dead—that may not stop him from coming after you.


July 2, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I sound like Smeagol going through puberty.


June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison


May 31, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Can I give you a list of things that can’t escape from a black hole?
Me: Sure.
Nine-Year-Old: Houdini, everything else.
Me: What about Mister Miracle?
Nine-Year-Old: No.


May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.