Impaler

July 8, 2017

Me: Don’t poke that guy. He might poke you back, and you don’t want to be poked by Vlad the Impaler.
Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s okay. He’s dead.
Me: Again, with this guy, being dead—that may not stop him from coming after you.

Puberty

July 2, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I sound like Smeagol going through puberty.

Girlfriend

June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison

Houdini

May 31, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Can I give you a list of things that can’t escape from a black hole?
Me: Sure.
Nine-Year-Old: Houdini, everything else.
Me: What about Mister Miracle?
Nine-Year-Old: No.

Dinosaur

May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.

Slashfic

April 2, 2017

Wife: I think the really sad part is, you know the place to go for slashfic.

Fantasies

April 1, 2017

Me: Interestingly, a lot of the “Donald Trump” category at Archive of Our Own is not actually slashfic, but assassination fantasies.

Legends

March 27, 2017

Colleague: I just grep-ed to find wherever sasquatches appeared in the legends.

Bookbeard

March 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!

Void

February 7, 2017

Wife: Sometimes you stare into the void, and it laughs at you.