February 28, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mood. You eating fried rice out of your hand is a mood.


February 27, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: You and my uterus are ganging up. I don’t like it.


February 26, 2018

Me: I don’t know what you’re doing with this dream, but this order needs to be countersigned by Sam Vimes and/or Elanor Roosevelt.


February 25, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why flirt when you have Life Alert? “Help! I’ve fallen in love and can’t get up!”


February 24, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a big load off my mind.
Me: And off your toes.


February 23, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Get behind me! Why am I wearing these pants?


February 22, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh my god. I just realized I don’t know any of them!
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. I’m just a total failure at life.
Me: Because you don’t know enough about one of your favorite K-pop bands?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Yes! I don’t know any of the members! I am such a failure as a fan. It’s only because I really like their music.


February 21, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: How can I remove glue from leather without damaging the leather?
Me: Eat it.
Thirteen-Year-Old: The glue or the leather?

In There

February 20, 2018

Me: This is in there but good.
Wife: “Butt good”?


February 19, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I want to know what sparkling cider tastes like.
Wife: You’ll get to try some in a minute, when he gets that open.
Me: Watch this.
Six-Year-Old: Is it going to spark?