Floorboard

Eleven-Year-Old:  That is the fartiest floorboard.

Cockatiel

Eleven-Year-Old:  Dad, do you know what the deadliest bird on Earth is?
Me:  A person dressed up as a cockatiel?

Stroke

Eighteen-Year-Old:  The joke didn’t land nearly half as hard, because I had a stroke in the middle, but you know….

Fine

Television Character:  I doesn’t matter if it’s my children, or other people’s children.
Me:  I’ll eat them all!
Eleven-Year-Old:  Put that on the blog!
Me:  …  Fine.

Hijack

Eleven-Year-Old:  You interrupted us.  We were trying to hijack the Invisible Hand.

PlayStation

Ex-Wife:  Please don’t yell, “PlayStation Nine!” in my driveway, for a bunch of reasons.

Imaginable

Eighteen-Year-Old:  I’ll call you tomorrow… probably… unless I forget.
Ex-Wife:  That’s the weakest commitment imaginable.

Adding

Eleven-Year-Old:  Oh my God.
Me:  Sorry.  All the things you’re saying are slowing me down as I’m adding them to my blog.

Spinning

Eleven-Year-Old:  Did you know Anakin’s kill count is the highest in The Phantom Menace?
Me:  How does that compare to Legolas and Gimli?
Eleven-Year-Old:  Did Legolas and Gimli destroy a Trade Federation battleship?
Me [highland Scottish accent]:  Let’s try spinning.  That’s a good trick.

Rough

Fifteen-Year-Old:  I hate sand.
Eleven-Year-Old:  It’s coarse.  It’s rough.  It’s….  Do you really hate sand?
Fifteen-Year-Old:  No, of course!  Who hates sand?