April 30, 2015

Me: Stro’om.
Wife: He was a character on South Carolina: Final Conflict.
Me: That is a totally plausible name for a Civil War reenactment reality show.
Wife: That would be cancelled after two episodes for excessive whiteness. I don’t mean white people. I mean dumbfucks acting out their whiteness.


April 29, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: Knee socks are my life.


April 28, 2015

Me: I want to go on a cruise. A real cruise, not on the street.


April 27, 2015

Wife: If it’s some kind of insane, psychotic negotiating tactic, it’s not helpful.


April 26, 2015

Wife: We’re not buying a blue cheese house.


April 25, 2015

Me: Just say no to hobbit holes.


April 24, 2015

Wife: Does it hurt when you move your head up and down, or just side to side.
Me: It doesn’t really hurt, but it does feel weird.
Wife: You haven’t been drinking enough water, or you’re dying.


April 23, 2015

Me: I guess Halloween is Reformation Day. That’s not a coincidence.
Wife: Trick or theses!


April 22, 2015

Me [reading sign]: This is a “police oriented community.”
Wife: They’re only sexually attracted to the police.


April 21, 2015

Me: You can’t hear meningitis!