Driving

October 31, 2013

Wife: I didn’t mean, “Don’t let the Jews see you driving funny.”

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Touch

October 30, 2013

Wife: No, we’re not going to play the “I’m gonna to touch you with something” game.

Lives

October 29, 2013

Me: That was published in Boys’ Life.
Nine-Year-Old: Boys must have bad lives.

Dumb

October 28, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: That is God dumb.

Milt

October 27, 2013

Wife: Any animal can have semen.
Me: No, not necessarily. Some of them have milt.

Semen

October 26, 2013

Me: There is a fundamental relationship between romance and semen.

Polish

October 25, 2013

Wife: You realize you’re composing your blog posts on a box of nail polish?

Undershirt

October 24, 2013

Me: Why would you wear an undershirt if you’re wearing pants?

Oil

October 23, 2013

Me: I have very low oil content in my semen.

Zipper

October 22, 2013

Wife: Oh, that’s a zipper. I didn’t know you had a zipper on your butt. I didn’t install that.