Starling

May 26, 2018

Me: I just saw a starling beat up a squirrel.

Advertisements

Teat

May 16, 2018

Wife: A cow didn’t actually squirt the macaroni out of its teat.

Baby Panda

May 13, 2018

Me: I can’t believe you are eating that baby panda.

Not Butterflies

May 9, 2018

Wife: You don’t know what penises look like, do you? Pro tip: not butterflies.

Painted

May 2, 2018

Colleague: I’m being painted with the pig brush.

Whoose

April 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I sound like a dying moose-whale. “Mhale.” “Whoose.”

Minecart

March 29, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: You can’t ride in the same minecart as a chicken. That’s a true fact.

Horse

March 20, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Aaah! Mister horse! I almost forgot to say hi.
Me: What was that?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Nothing.
Ten-Year-Old: She almost forgot to say hi to mister horse.

Wiggle

March 19, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Oh, my god. I saw the wiggle butt dogs out of the window as I was leaving. It was so cute

Devil

March 2, 2018

Me: How do you feel?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I feel like a horse pissed on me, and then shit on me, and then the devil thought I was dead, so he stabbed me with a knife to try to cut my soul out.