Solved

March 19, 2017

Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.

Altitude

March 6, 2017

Me: I hope you see some interesting wildlife.
Wife: Around here, it would all be poisonous.
Me: Well, if you’re heading into the foothills, you shouldn’t run into any cottonmouths or water moccasins. And you probably won’t get to high enough altitude to see a yeti.
Nine-Year-Old: Yetis aren’t real, you idiot!

Explain

February 25, 2017

Wife [to Nine-Year-Old]: Go get a hairbrush out of my bathroom, so we can fix your hair. It looks like a cat slept in it.
Me: A cat did sleep in my hair.
Wife: That doesn’t explain your face.

Alligator

February 24, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: See you later, alligator. After a while, crocodile.
Me: It’s not bad, Hobo Dad.

Poured

February 12, 2017

Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.

On the chocolate milk.

Informed

February 3, 2017

Wife: The dog doesn’t really know about informed consent.

Don’t

January 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.

Dog Food

January 22, 2017

Wife: You are not buying dog food from Bruegger’s!

Fused

January 15, 2017

Me: I think I should start referring to bacon fat as “fused pig.”

Log

December 31, 2016

Wife: I am not interested, at all, in your self injury fetish log.