May 23, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Dad, Mom’s being gross!
Wife: I did not say you raped the cat!


May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.


May 10, 2017

Me [talking in my sleep]: [Wife], we have geese in our kitchen. Don’t you care about this?


April 29, 2017

Me: There’s more to having rabbits than them just sitting around and being cute and eating carrots. They also poop.


April 25, 2017

Me: Is there some group of people that celebrates a winter holiday featuring a giant mutant frog?


April 5, 2017

Me: A piano is like a moose. You might see one there, but probably–
Wife: “A piano is like a moose”? Really? I almost drove off the road! Why would you say something like that?


April 4, 2017

Me: Where’s a Beaverlick Baptist Church when you need one?


March 28, 2017

Wife: With luck, in a few years I will have significantly reduced my mammal load.


March 19, 2017

Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.


March 6, 2017

Me: I hope you see some interesting wildlife.
Wife: Around here, it would all be poisonous.
Me: Well, if you’re heading into the foothills, you shouldn’t run into any cottonmouths or water moccasins. And you probably won’t get to high enough altitude to see a yeti.
Nine-Year-Old: Yetis aren’t real, you idiot!