November 17, 2017

Former Student: I still don’t trust with narrative.
Colleague: Then the snake would have had to have lied to us.



November 16, 2017

Friend: No arguments about how to skin a panther!


November 9, 2017

Five-Year-Old: It’s a gummi bowl! All of them are hiding from a giant spoon!


November 5, 2017

Friend: We have salt water in the cave, and we have, you know, panther brains.


November 4, 2017

Friend: What kind of clam is it, man?


October 25, 2017

Wife: What are you, a pig?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, I’m a pig. I use bacon powers.


October 19, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m going to make a rebel crab!
Wife: A rebel crab?

It just looks like a crab with a gun.
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it’s a rebel crab.


October 18, 2017

Wife: Why are you golfing police cars with a swordfish?
AAAh! That’s a bus!


October 15, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Vultures are gross.
Me: They’re only gross because they’re cleaning up stuff that’s even grosser. Look, if there weren’t any—if there weren’t any scavengers, there would just be dead things lying around all over, and that would be worse, wouldn’t it?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I guess.


October 7, 2017

Me: I just got a message from the Johns Hopkins University Press about Shark Week.