July 20, 2017

Me: Will you stop talking about that?
Thirteen-Year-Old: You brought it up.
Me: No, I didn’t!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Yes, you did.
Me: I asked you what you wanted for dinner. That’s not bringing up dissecting animals.


July 17, 2017

Me: Hey, look at those geese. Do they feed them?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No.
Me: Then what do you think they’re eating?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I don’t know. Their own poop, probably.
Me: You can’t subsist on your own poop. That violates the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Thirteen-Year-Old: They’re geese. They do whatever they want… mystical creatures.


July 7, 2017

Teacher: It’s a great day to be a green cricket!
Me: Isn’t a green cricket just a grasshopper?


June 28, 2017

Wife: The pavement would be littered with boneless crushed dog bodies!
Me: Hold on! Hold on! Can’t blog fast enough!
Wife: Am I wrong?!
Me: No.


June 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Why are you riding a hippo wearing a monocle?
Wife: Because the horse with the pirate hat was busy.


June 13, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Maybe’s there’s a giant cat sitting on them.
Ten-Year-Old: Giant cats don’t sit on people.

Happy birthday, my ten-year-old cat lover.


May 28, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Cats don’t talk, except when they’re making music.


May 26, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I made it roll down and hit the bunny in the butt! What the hell!

I mean, What the heck!


May 23, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Dad, Mom’s being gross!
Wife: I did not say you raped the cat!


May 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I am Doctor Seuss, and I am turned into a dinosaur.