February 12, 2017

Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.

On the chocolate milk.


February 3, 2017

Wife: The dog doesn’t really know about informed consent.


January 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.

Dog Food

January 22, 2017

Wife: You are not buying dog food from Bruegger’s!


January 15, 2017

Me: I think I should start referring to bacon fat as “fused pig.”


December 31, 2016

Wife: I am not interested, at all, in your self injury fetish log.


December 10, 2016

Twleve-Year-Old: Wow, that sloth’s butt is huge!


November 29, 2016

Four-Year-Old: We can go down to the frog store to buy some cream.


November 1, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: You called me a gorilla-lion hybrid!

Lady Squirrels

October 28, 2016

Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.