Sheep

May 30, 2019

Colleague [reading]: “Tuesday we drink sheep.”
What does that even mean?

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Sleep

May 21, 2019

Friend: It’s not easy to sleep on a lizard.

Gondola

May 20, 2019

Friend: All right, get in your lizard gondola, already!

Yeti

May 18, 2019

Me: Yeti ninja!

Were-Vegetable

May 15, 2019

Me: Maybe he’s some kind of were-vegetable.
Wife: What.

Tearing.

May 10, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: I feel like a wolf just tearing apart a rat.

Jaw

May 7, 2019

Friend: Her jaw is closed like a crocodile’s, but she’s still talking.

Middle

April 30, 2019

Wife: Look in the middle, where the polar bear sled is.

Rats

April 22, 2019

Friend: Are you going to attempt to talk the rats down from eating you?

Mermaids

April 21, 2019

Friend: I named them “Philips.” They looked like sand mermaids.