February 14, 2018

Six-Year-Old: When the dog is going down the stairs, from the back it looks like a turkey like you eat on Thanksgiving, for some reason.



February 4, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I have a surprise.
Me: What?
Six-Year-Old: Piranha attack!


January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.


January 26, 2018

First Friend: I’ve got like eighty pounds of panther jerky.

Me: Cool story, bro.
Second Friend: You’re telling us this, why?


January 12, 2018

Five-Year-Old: I didn’t remember she was huge! Corpus fat cat!


January 3, 2018

Me: I hate open circulatory systems.


January 2, 2018

Me: They know which side their litters buttered on.


December 30, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It sounds so weird next to my ear!
Wife: That’s my hand.
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, her licking your hand.

Super Piranha

December 22, 2017

Five-Year-Old: [Ten-Year-Old] has a super, super piranha.


December 16, 2017

Wife: I admit, I taught Python to predict the future.