May 26, 2018

Me: I just saw a starling beat up a squirrel.



May 16, 2018

Wife: A cow didn’t actually squirt the macaroni out of its teat.

Baby Panda

May 13, 2018

Me: I can’t believe you are eating that baby panda.

Not Butterflies

May 9, 2018

Wife: You don’t know what penises look like, do you? Pro tip: not butterflies.


May 2, 2018

Colleague: I’m being painted with the pig brush.


April 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I sound like a dying moose-whale. “Mhale.” “Whoose.”


March 29, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: You can’t ride in the same minecart as a chicken. That’s a true fact.


March 20, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Aaah! Mister horse! I almost forgot to say hi.
Me: What was that?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Nothing.
Ten-Year-Old: She almost forgot to say hi to mister horse.


March 19, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Oh, my god. I saw the wiggle butt dogs out of the window as I was leaving. It was so cute


March 2, 2018

Me: How do you feel?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I feel like a horse pissed on me, and then shit on me, and then the devil thought I was dead, so he stabbed me with a knife to try to cut my soul out.