February 12, 2017
Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.
On the chocolate milk.
February 3, 2017
Wife: The dog doesn’t really know about informed consent.
January 24, 2017
Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.
December 31, 2016
Wife: I am not interested, at all, in your self injury fetish log.
December 10, 2016
Twleve-Year-Old: Wow, that sloth’s butt is huge!
November 29, 2016
Four-Year-Old: We can go down to the frog store to buy some cream.
November 1, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: You called me a gorilla-lion hybrid!
October 28, 2016
Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.