Comfortable

February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.

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Sherman

January 17, 2018

Me: I just saw a Sherman tank Jesus T-shirt.

Invitation

January 7, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Bra.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Bra. And [Her Friend’s] bat mitzvah invitation.

Not that they have anything to do with each other.
Me: Well, they’re both about becoming a woman.

Pockets

November 30, 2017

Wife: Nope! Books are not pockets—ever!

Bows

October 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh no, bows!
Me: What? Bows?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Bows are the cancer of this world—one of many cancers.

Dope

October 9, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I learned something this morning.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t try to dance to “Dope” when you’re not wearing a bra.

Hand’s

October 8, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Ew! My hand’s in your underwear!

Warmers

September 15, 2017

Me: Leg warmers and high heels?

Thirteen-Year-Old: My boots will be here tomorrow.
Wife: “Boobs”?

Tower

July 30, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: If you get to be good enough friends with the wizard, you can change your appearance in his tower.
Me: Okay, that’s kind of creepy.