July 10, 2018

Me: There should be other drag ranks, besides king and queen—like drag archdukes.



June 25, 2018

Friend: I am not a member of the monocling community, so I don’t know if lubrication is a thing, but I’m guessing not.


June 22, 2018

Me: I am unsure at what level of irony this is supposed to be appreciated.


June 14, 2018

Wife: It’s a guy in mom jeans dancing. That’s just….


June 1, 2018

Wife: Take five minutes. Get yourself dressed and ready to go. Then do laundry until you go.
Fourteen-Year-Old: That a lyric.

Color on Color

May 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Get out! And don’t wear color on color. You look like a hobo. And leave!


May 25, 2018

Wife: Why are you wearing your bra like a bandana?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Because I didn’t want to wear it like a bra.


May 21, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I can tell you, it’s very uncomfortable waking up with bits of paper in your clothes.


May 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: My wallet!
Ten-Year-Old: Is it in the freezer?
Six-Year-Old: No, it’s right here! Give me it!
Me: Not now, not while we’re eating. I’ll put your wallet on the freezer.


May 11, 2018

Six-Year-Old: When I look out of the window with these sunglasses, it looks like it’s nineteen seventy-one.