Puritan

June 30, 2019

Me: Was that guy dressed as a Puritan, playing an electric guitar that wasn’t plugged in?

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Luxury

May 31, 2019

Student: I am currently a big fan of cheap sunglasses and other luxury drinks.

Spandex

May 29, 2019

Student: I may want to change into spandex, so I don’t keep flashing everybody.

Cobbler’s

May 26, 2019

Colleague: It’s like—what is it—”The cobbler’s children have no shoes”? The optometrist’s husband never gets his prescription updated.

Businessman

May 11, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Now he looks so much more like a businessman.
Me: Your avocado?
Seven-Year-Old: A business avocado.

McCarthy

May 6, 2019

Me: And that is why you should not walk around the house with no pants.
Wife: Because McCarthy might get her?!

Mosquito

March 6, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: I found out why my butt was itching. I put my hand in my pants and found it. It felt like a little boob. It was a mosquito.

Nudity

February 18, 2019

Wife: They were setting up a gun store run by cats; then there was a huge sniper argument; then lots of nudity.

Sombrero

January 27, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I’m a sombrero knight!

Knickers

January 23, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old:

Not to mention knickers.