July 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old [drawing manga]: I need to have boobie lumps in the shirt. That sounded so wrong.


July 15, 2017

Wife: What’s the matter with your pants?
Me: Oh, they’re unzipped, and they have a hole—a bunch of holes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I heard, “What’s the matter with your penis?”


July 9, 2017

Me: Some of those people don’t look like they belong in a caveman restaurant.
Wife: I don’t know what kind of discrimination that is, but it’s stupid.


June 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: There’s no such thing as farting pants.
Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: What are they? Pants that make you fart all the time?
Five-Year-Old: Yes.
Ten-Year-Old: That’s bold and original thinking.


June 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Why are you riding a hippo wearing a monocle?
Wife: Because the horse with the pirate hat was busy.


June 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Where are you going?
Wife: Work. I’m allowed to wear a skirt to work.
Thirteen-Year-Old: You look like a hippie.


June 16, 2017

Wife: Sometimes you can’t wash out the funk.


June 11, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Do you want it in Spanish?
Wife: [Nine-Year-Old], it’s his.
Nine-Year-Old: It’s just weird, though.
Electronic Toy Keyboard: Zapato.
Five-Year-Old: “Shoes”? “Z” starts with “shoes”?


June 9, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Pants pants, the new trend.
Me [singing]: “These pants were made for pantsing.”
No, no, that’s not right!


May 29, 2017

Wife: Guess what? My underwear is not made by Islamic terrorists.