May 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: My wallet!
Ten-Year-Old: Is it in the freezer?
Six-Year-Old: No, it’s right here! Give me it!
Me: Not now, not while we’re eating. I’ll put your wallet on the freezer.



May 11, 2018

Six-Year-Old: When I look out of the window with these sunglasses, it looks like it’s nineteen seventy-one.


May 3, 2018

Friend: My glasses must be somewhere.
Me: You’re wearing your glasses.
Friend: Oh, yeah. So my statement was right.
Me: Yes, your application of the pigeonhole principle was correct.


April 16, 2018

Me: Please don’t snap your own bra using your mouth.


March 28, 2018

Rabbi: I think I look like a goth Hawaiian.

Talk About

March 13, 2018

Me: It worked, and I discovered that my underwear is on inside out.
Friend: We need to talk about over-sharing.


March 10, 2018

Friend: He also appears to be wearing a skirt which is made from patches of skin.


February 23, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Get behind me! Why am I wearing these pants?


February 21, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: How can I remove glue from leather without damaging the leather?
Me: Eat it.
Thirteen-Year-Old: The glue or the leather?


February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.