Marvin

January 1, 2019

Me: Nobody looks that much like Marvin Gaye by accident.

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Floyd

December 24, 2018

Me: So what does it mean?
Wife: Hand wash cold, while listening to Pink Floyd.

Dapper

November 21, 2018

Me: One of them is a mess, and one of them is a dapper mess.

Metrosexual

November 18, 2018

Wife: There are things you just don’t do, like call [wife of past synagogue president] a metrosexual.

Bessel Functions

November 17, 2018

Me: I want a tee-shirt that says: “I nought heart Bessel functions.”

Goggles

November 2, 2018

Six-Year-Old: This looks like a Diglett wearing goggles.

Beater

October 3, 2018

Me: That guy made a keffiyeh out of a wife beater.
Fourteen-Year-Old: What?
Me: That guy is wearing a keffiyeh made out of a wife beater.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I know. I was trying ignore it.

Grenade

September 14, 2018

Wife: You just punched me in the head with a hat!
Eleven-Year-Old: With a grenade in it.
Me: That’s not better!

Unicorns

September 10, 2018

Wife: Why is there a unicorn in there? That’s supposed to be your pajama drawer. It’s for pajamas, not unicorns.
Me: In fairness, I think that is my fault.

Vending

September 6, 2018

Wife: Everything is unnecessary in Japan.
Me: But they have underwear vending machines.