Grenade

September 14, 2018

Wife: You just punched me in the head with a hat!
Eleven-Year-Old: With a grenade in it.
Me: That’s not better!

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Unicorns

September 10, 2018

Wife: Why is there a unicorn in there? That’s supposed to be your pajama drawer. It’s for pajamas, not unicorns.
Me: In fairness, I think that is my fault.

Vending

September 6, 2018

Wife: Everything is unnecessary in Japan.
Me: But they have underwear vending machines.

Walking

September 4, 2018

Me: Out walking three dogs, in her pajamas, in the rain.

Hallway

August 22, 2018

Wife: Why are you twerking in the hallway?

Stop doing that! Stop helping!

Will you please pull up your pants?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No.
Wife: Nothing you are doing in there is saying: These fit.

Genius

August 19, 2018

Six-Year-Old: There’s clothes in there.
Me: I know.
Six-Year-Old: How did you know?
Me: I put them in there.
Six-Year-Old: Wow, genius!

Occupants

July 30, 2018

Colleague: Those are the two occupants of your tie.

Trashier

July 29, 2018

Me: It’s getting louder, more crowded, and trashier in here.

Archdukes

July 10, 2018

Me: There should be other drag ranks, besides king and queen—like drag archdukes.

Monocling

June 25, 2018

Friend: I am not a member of the monocling community, so I don’t know if lubrication is a thing, but I’m guessing not.