Bows

October 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh no, bows!
Me: What? Bows?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Bows are the cancer of this world—one of many cancers.

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Dope

October 9, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I learned something this morning.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t try to dance to “Dope” when you’re not wearing a bra.

Hand’s

October 8, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Ew! My hand’s in your underwear!

Warmers

September 15, 2017

Me: Leg warmers and high heels?

Thirteen-Year-Old: My boots will be here tomorrow.
Wife: “Boobs”?

Tower

July 30, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: If you get to be good enough friends with the wizard, you can change your appearance in his tower.
Me: Okay, that’s kind of creepy.

Replaced

July 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I see you replaced my sister with a dress.

Lumps

July 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old [drawing manga]: I need to have boobie lumps in the shirt. That sounded so wrong.

Unzipped

July 15, 2017

Wife: What’s the matter with your pants?
Me: Oh, they’re unzipped, and they have a hole—a bunch of holes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I heard, “What’s the matter with your penis?”

Caveman

July 9, 2017

Me: Some of those people don’t look like they belong in a caveman restaurant.
Wife: I don’t know what kind of discrimination that is, but it’s stupid.