February 2, 2017
Me: There’s nothing gay about dressing another man in a burlap sack.
January 17, 2017
Me: Can you get some clothes on?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. Also, [Nine-Year-Old] sprayed my pajamas with water.
Happy Birthday, Five-Year-Old!
January 13, 2017
Me: Any bra can be a push-up bra if it’s too small.
December 30, 2016
Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
December 26, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Can you do it?
Me: Can I get some pants on first?
Nine-Year-Old: Why? Are you afraid the computer will see you without them?
Me: Yeah, I’ll go with that.
December 24, 2016
Wife: Dang it. His hat fell off.
Me: Well, the only thing holding it in place was mustard.
December 6, 2016
Me: This sounds like an occasion for both of you to put on swimsuits and hop in the shower.
November 21, 2016
Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?
November 20, 2016
Wife: Why is there an olive pit on the chair?
Me: Why are [Twelve-Year-Old’s] underwear behind the mattress?