May 9, 2017

Wife: If you see a guy walking down the street with no shirt on, wearing gloves with pirate skulls, and carrying a gun, you run.


March 29, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a lot of cotton.
Me: People wear a lot of clothes.


February 2, 2017

Me: There’s nothing gay about dressing another man in a burlap sack.


January 17, 2017

Me: Can you get some clothes on?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. Also, [Nine-Year-Old] sprayed my pajamas with water.

Happy Birthday, Five-Year-Old!


January 13, 2017

Me: Any bra can be a push-up bra if it’s too small.


December 30, 2016

Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
Wife: Yet.


December 26, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: Can you do it?
Me: Can I get some pants on first?
Nine-Year-Old: Why? Are you afraid the computer will see you without them?
Me: Yeah, I’ll go with that.


December 24, 2016

Wife: Dang it. His hat fell off.
Me: Well, the only thing holding it in place was mustard.


December 6, 2016

Me: This sounds like an occasion for both of you to put on swimsuits and hop in the shower.


November 22, 2016

Wife: You have a memo book. I’ve got you two.
Me: I have it. It’s in my briefcase.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, that’s not a briefcase.
Me: Can I carry briefs in it?
Wife: By that logic, a plastic bag is a briefcase.

You could carry briefs in your underwear, but after you did that, nobody would want to read them.
Twelve-Year-Old: Technically, underwear is—
Me: You’re saying I could carry briefs in my briefs?