August 31, 2014
Wife: It’s good weather for a car robbery.
August 30, 2014
Me: I came back for a poop bag, and I’m not sure—
Wife: You can’t poop in the woods with the kids around.
Friend: Keep it in your butt!
August 29, 2014
Wife: I need to make a spreadsheet just to figure out how German I am.
August 28, 2014
Ten-Year-Old [reading]: What’s “buh-dass”?
August 27, 2014
Wife: Don’t bite you lip, because your soul patch sticks out like some kind of hair tongue.
August 25, 2014
Wife: There’s a whole half of the genital spectrum you haven’t even explored.
August 24, 2014
Wife: I know how you hate to eat alone. You’re afraid the chicken might slap you.
August 23, 2014
Me: I could probably fill the whole area between my mustache and my beard with the corn muffin.
August 22, 2014
Seven-Year-Old: You need to go in the shark trash can!