Weather

August 31, 2014

Wife: It’s good weather for a car robbery.

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Butt

August 30, 2014

Me: I came back for a poop bag, and I’m not sure—
Wife: You can’t poop in the woods with the kids around.
Friend: Keep it in your butt!

Spreadsheet

August 29, 2014

Wife: I need to make a spreadsheet just to figure out how German I am.

Badass

August 28, 2014

Ten-Year-Old [reading]: What’s “buh-dass”?
Me: “Badass.”

Patch

August 27, 2014

Wife: Don’t bite you lip, because your soul patch sticks out like some kind of hair tongue.

Crush

August 26, 2014

Me: Google “man playing Candy Crush with his penis.”

Explored

August 25, 2014

Wife: There’s a whole half of the genital spectrum you haven’t even explored.

Slap

August 24, 2014

Wife: I know how you hate to eat alone. You’re afraid the chicken might slap you.

Fill

August 23, 2014

Me: I could probably fill the whole area between my mustache and my beard with the corn muffin.

Trash

August 22, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: You need to go in the shark trash can!